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Welcome to the Personal Page! These are posts primarily about me, my life, and my problems. Many of my posts feature a paragraph or two that's personal, so a lot of posts will end up here; even if it seems like the bulk of the text fits in a different directory. It's probably under that directory too!

Mar 20, 22;

Hi I've been pretty wildly depressed. Well, that's an oversimplification. I'm going to be moving shortly and finances get exceptionally stressful for disabled people when trying to relocate across the country. There is hope now and I'm finally starting to feel like a person again, so things are good. Which is why I finally feel up to writing a blog post, confident it will not diverge into a terribly sad screed.

That being said I also don't have very much to talk about. I've been a bit of a stressed lump. I'm not sure how people can have such large changes on the horizon and manage to do anything, because I have barely managed to do anything. I don't have any news on any of my projects, I've been pretty incapable of working on them. The small chips of progress I have made have been very good, and I am excited to polish them. But nothing to show, and no update to give alongside this blog post.

I'm reading books again, well, a book. The Persistent Desire; a femme/butch reader, is a very good collection and often drives me to tears. I'd like to go on some dyke rant here, but I'm really only just starting to solidly formulate those to myself and my girlfriend. I still remember far too vividly the days where I just stopped openly being a girl on the internet in any public space outside of tumblr.com.

The early dawn of social media and widely accessible online gaming was a dark time. From what I've seen from those who have remained a bit more digitally open than I have over the years, those days are largely over. Misogyny and sexist harrassment still exists (in far too great of numbers), but no longer proliferates every VoIP server, or public game lobby.

Spaces now exist, even flourish, in the digital hobbies we were all bemoaning as toxicly masculine in 2014. The hobbies I largely abandoned after a lot of sexist harrassment as a young girl on the internet. I've run into more women moderating gaming communities with proper protective rules than I have ever before, and I no longer see even the edgiest I find trying to share photos of corpses... in public.

Though I will admit the recent war has sparked some into trying to bring back the foul tradition. Always met with immediate pushback (even bans) in the casual spaces I lurk in, something I never would have imagined in 2011. Once upon a time to me and all my friends, both adults and teenagers, online gaming and socializing meant you had to bite your tongue and deal with those things. Every gaming space had a few who would post gore and several more who would say the most inappropriate things you've ever heard to anyone with a 'girl's voice'.

It's a nice change. One I hadn't started to appreciate until yesterday, actually. It just kind of happened without my noticing. I suppose to notice I would have had to stay in the very public spaces I retreated from 5 or more years ago. I suppose that this is a plea not to mistake all of my nostalgia for a longing to return. I'm glad I get to exist comfortably in cyberspace in a way my teenage self had no hope of imagining, let alone knowing.

Once upon a time I got command locked to a block in minecraft and had to watch in baby dyke horror as my dear friends built a chapel around me and forced a minecraft marriage to a boy upon me. Because my upset screams were just the funniest thing anyone in that Ventrillo had ever heard.

Last week I watched a man get time kicked from a gaming server for joking about kissing someone who was uncomfortable with it. I've been thinking about it constantly; like that one act of reasonable moderation is a soothing balm for that very, very, upset twelve year old I once was.

And It still took me until I was 21 to comfortably be a lesbian, Jesus Christ; I cried over the idea of marrying a boy at age 12 and it took me another 9 years holeeeshit.

Nov. 23, 21;

No update. Backpain flare up keeping me from focusing.

Going to write my star trek reviews layout and build its infrastructure I think.

Star Trek is easy to think about.

I drew this cool turtle.

Nov. 8, 21;

How does anyone maintain personhood into the winter. Normally my SAD starts rearing its horrid head in September, but this year she took until late October to really get going. I've also been struggling with basic self care for a few weeks, and struggling harder with the emotions of people around me and balancing taking care of them with my own self care. It's alright, it's just led me into a bit of a non-productive pit as you can see from my total lack of updates here.

So what am I doing? Well the Neopets Shrine is half way done. I've still got several more pages to do, but I think once I finish my final pet's page I may just publish it and add the additional pages when/if I finish them. I've got a projects page going, I've got a write up on fixing a laptop in progress, lots of things I want to do none of the executive function or discipline to complete them. A neurodivergent bitch's greatest struggle.

Binged the SAW franchise. That was a ride and a half. I think I'll come back to SAW later though. I might just make it a rule that if I spend multiple days binging something I should at least get a web page out of the expierence. I want to do some kind of project that has some sort of outside pressure. Maybe I need to do a game jam, maybe I need to commit to something like a page a week for a month, just for fun.

Nice to touch in, sorry I don't have more to say this time, a lot of my internal focus has been on emotional struggles I don't really need to pour over more.

Oct. 15, 21; It's my birthday 🍠

Happy birthday to Me. :-)

I don't really have anything to talk about actually, I'm not doing anything for the Event. I went on a two hour wander about the city last night. That was something. I grabbed a chocolate mousse from walmart but turns out it was just chocolate cream cheese frosting, so. My dearest girlfriend and I have been watching What We Do In The Shadows (the series), and that's been great. Love that. Love those gay vampires.

Pretty sure I bought a fiji water from a ghost in a kwik corner last night though. I don't really know how to elaborate on that. Gas station just had really haunted vibes. Also the cashier admitted to staring at me which I didn't even notice so that was uncomfortable. I regret paying $3 for probably haunted water. I panicked basically as soon as I got in there. And then still went to a different gas station for snacks and drinks. I don't want to eat cursed-vibe gas station jerky. I didn't even want the $3 cursed water. I just didn't want to be weird and enter a place and then immediately leave without purchasing anything. So I bought $3 cursed water.

I made another linux skin, using Oomox/Themix, the flatpak distribution that from what I can tell is depreciated but at the moment; still works. But I've got a bunch of updates including ones for Cinnamon (the desktop environment rendering the theme) so, theres a chance that it could be broken in about an hour, after I restart and update my machine.

Oomox theme, using a wallpaper from moonpixels.moongraphics.nl

If you can't tell I really like 'edgy' early internet aesthetics. Not like shock edgy but like, emo girl edgy. I've recently taken to calling myself a girl like a website is a girl, and, yeah. My website and my computer are like, extensions of my gender expression because I've always been a "girl on the internet". Which, some of you may not have been around for, but being a girl on the internet was like, the worst possible thing in the late '00s early '10s. That weird gamer thing, you know, the gamer thing with like a gate, that happened when I was a high schooler, who was really into video games. Yeah that sucked, it drove me out of a lot of multiplayer spaces and off of mic for years. I still don't use a mic in any pub games. Online spaces full of "emo girls" like myspace were also full of predatory adult men, and constant weaponized misogyny and harrassment.

Scene girls with magenta and black myspace pages who were huge internet bullies; I forgive you, the space was wildly different from how it is now-a-days. I'm shocked and disgusted everytime I see someone link to a carrd with all of their triggers neatly listed. Because I was around when the internet was a constant unending stream of bullying and any sort of authenticity or vulnerability was just something strangers would gladly use to hurt you if you got their attention. I suppose it is still like that, we're just more prone to huge mob action in the form of callout justice, because there are so many more of us Online. I know for a fact that kids are still getting hurt by the internet the same way I was hurt as a kid. Centralized platforms haven't done anything aside from put children and adults in more and more the same online spaces. And, well. My expierence with mixed age group online spaces was not positive. Is all I will say of that.

Kids need to interact with adults but unsupervised and barely moderated internet platforms are not the place they should be doing it. And yeah teens are kids. Teens should totally not be on twitter or tiktok, teens should not be posting their actual real names and faces to the internet, or a detailed list of their trauma and triggers. I don't think adults should either. I am guilty of posting my real name and face to the internet. I really don't think I should have or should continue to though. But, I probably will; I like the attention of all my girl mutuals on tumblr (hiii ladies).

And that's the thing, we all like attention. Kids and teens really really Need attention. When parents are expected to work for 40 hours a week under capitalism (minimum), it's hard to give kids and teens the attention they need. It becomes even harder to supervise internet activities when you don't have the time or energy to really build a relationship with your child. I had neglectful parents because they were worn out because of the crushing grind of capitalism and poverty. I turned to the internet for attention. I got hurt. And now that basically Everyone (in certain privleged parts of the globe) is online, and we're all isolated because of a raging pandemic, that's getting worse. Probably a lot worse with centralized platforms with pretty open DM settings.

Oh. Jeeze. I got sad huh.
I do that a lot, I've had a lot of birthday ennui this year so I haven't been blogging much because I've been trying not to get sad.

I'm okay though, I'm not like actually depressed I'm just really afraid for all the digital trauma Gen Z and Alpha are going to have. I think I'm technically Gen Z, but I was raised in the far off northern land of Alaska, which was basically stuck in the '90s until instagram got popular. Also as I mentioned earlier I was more into Gamer communities than like, social media as a teen. Myspace and facebook were around but I kinda hated both of them and really liked minecraft. Those spaces were terrible and bad for me, but honestly, with what I see out of social media; I'm so glad I was in them and not on Instagram.

So, happy birthday to me. Death to the corporate internet. Uhhh, don't give a smart phone to anyone under the age of 16. Cool? Cool.


Sept. 21, 21;

Well yesterday was an utterly horrible no good terrible day. At least it seems to have resulted in some sort of peace between my girlfriend and her dad. It just took 3 weeks of developing new PTSD symptoms for them to finally have an Adult conversation. Yes, yes I am mad at both of them for taking this long to accomplish such a little task. But at least it's done now. Broad strokes of yesterday: I had two panic attacks, a hysterical breakdown, and was fully prepared to commit crimes. I did not commit crimes. Yesterday was the first time in months that I've needed a cigarette. I haven't had any, still want one desperately; I was going to order myself some breakfast as a Comfort that won't make me stink and dissappoint my girlfriend, but, sadly, my favorite breakfast chain is closed. If they don't open before everyone else in the house wakes up then my plan of a Just For Me Meal is truly dead in the water. Not that there aren't other chains; but only Dunkin has sweet tea that they'll put flavored syrup in for you.

So I've given up on both the cigarettes and the Tea. I'm instead going to smoke So much weed. I think the relaxation of my perpetually tensed back muscles will be, a close enough imitation of what I want. I deserve it after yesterday. Once my household wakes up, I think I'll just get a gas station breakfast. It's cheaper anyway.

Wanna talk about DS9 after that? :-)

I'm on the episde Prophet Motive, or as my friend Mags put it; the soyification of the rules of acquisition. It's a very fun episode, I love seeing Quark and Rom scheme together. I also missed seeing Rom, he's a bit absent in Season 3. I'm also glad to have a ferengi episode where the word "females" is said less than a dozen times. Now the Ferengi have problems, like, a lot of problems. Most alien races in Star Trek, unsurprisingly, have big issues; often relating to racism. I mean, I adore klingons but there are plenty of things to be said about them and blackface. For Ferengi it's antisemitism, for Cardassians it's the theft of south asian aesthetics for a Big Bad Fascist Villian Society. I could go on. I won't though. The entireity of Star Trek is fairly progressive for the times it was produced, but it's still got oh so many juicy problems just all over the place.

Oh, except for when it wasn't? Remember Rick Berman? That weird conservative who took control of Trek in the 90s and ruined any chance of Bashir and Garak being lovers and, basically every progressive part of 90s Trek. If you're unfamilar with Berman, I recommend This Video by Renegade Cut on youtube for a thorough look at 90s Trek and Berman's control over it. He's also got a video about Odo being a fasicst collaborator that I highly recommend. Berman also made Enterprise in the '00s and I can say, happily, that the only exposure I have had to Enterprise was through an Ex who was explicitly trying to annoy me after an arguement about Captain Katheryn Janeway. But those, maybe three episodes total, were enough to show me that I would like to rip Rick Berman's throat out with my teeth.

I think when it comes to Star Trek we can see just a lovely tone trend, TOS: Optimistic, TNG: Optimistic, DS9: Cynical, VOY: NIHILISTIC. This isn't to say that all series don't have some kind of optimism in them, since the foundation of the Future depicted by Star Trek is idealistic; or that they don't often have episodes that end on optimistic notes. DS9 still tries to be optimistic, but the setting of a post-fascist-occupation starbase is much more cynical than a science ship, isn't it? VOY tries to be optimistic but very often settles into nihilism about the idea of escaping the Delta Quadrant and with reguards to the inhabitants of it. VOY also suffers from messy character writing and a lack of cohesion among the writing staff, seen most easily through Kathryn Janeway. How many times does she have consistent morals and motives? How the fuck does what she did to Tuvix align with the character Kathryn Janeway as established? What in the fuck is Tom Paris? (A: Berman Insert).

I love Star Trek but jeeze from the way I talk about it I think it's understandable if you think I don't. Just wait till I finally rewatch Star Wars.

Sept. 19, 21;

To go back to what I said in my first blog, you know, with reguards to starting new projects rather than finishing ones in progress, here is a small, incomplete list of all of the ideas I have had within the last Nine Hours:

As I write now I am still having more ideas for pages to write (at some point I will make my digital dream blunt rotation just so that I can leave it open while I smoke weed. I don't know if that will get onto this website but, by God I will write the page). And to remind you, my in progress projects at present include: The Achewood...thing, Neopets Shrine [landing finished, 2 pages are in progress, 5 more are planned], Button Box [layout needs rewritten since I decided to put some buttons on my about], a guides page, and a links page.

In the past on other projects I praised myself for being so good at knowing my scope and what was achievable for me realistically. Doesn't sound like I'm talking about the same person, anymore. I'm going to say its more passion than losing my sense of scope, since I still know the types of pages that are achievable to my current skill level in HTML/CSS and have planned all of my ideas accordingly. I'm actually quite pleased for once to be overwhelming myself with ideas I can barely keep straight, it seems I've finally discovered that oft-spoken of rarely-seen Ambition. I think I have ambitions for this website. None of any sort of grandeur or reach, but just of how perfectly whole it can be. Seems I do have drive and goals, just none aligned with successful existence in a capitalist society.

Moving on, I'm still re-watching DS9; my girlfriend and I have gotten into asynchronous sleep schedules so while I'm up all night I put it on. Puts her to sleep and only distracts me with the rare Episode I Love; the names? I have no idea. There are several in season 2 though. I sort of hate Bashir focused episodes but also I can't look away from them; probably because at this point in the series they also heavily include Garak (My Beloved). There are episodes with plots I really love (i.e Odo Befriends A Little Girl and she is a hologram and he gives a speech about lifeforms and types of life and FUCK if I don't cry every time I see him turn into a spinning top for her at the end), while not loving most episodes focused on those characters. I love Odo because he gets some Goodies but also, like, he is a bastard; see post below; and a lot of Odo focused episodes are bad. There are some Bashir and O'Brien episodes that are Fun, but, like. Does anyone look forward to rewatching that b-plot where O'Brien and Bashir have this weirdly intense raquetball rivalry, but only on O'Brien's side? Do we really need to see a middle aged O'Brien get insecure because Bashir is a fuckin' jock? I hope that's a b-plot. I don't, but if you do I get it they have the Banter. They've got bantz, its fun. I just think their dynamic is kinda weird.

But mostly I love episodes focused on my favorite characters, because of course I do. And as a Gender: Dyke I believe I'm obligated, legally, to have those favorite characters be Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax. Also Benjamin Sisko; he's probably my favorite man in Trek (Neelix, Tuvok, and Tuvix are all tied for second). I really love the Jadzia Dax episode where she has a Trill initiate, I quite actively watched that entire one last night. I really like the parts of her personality on display throughout the episode. Jadzia Dax is just a really fun character; super hate seeing Bashir flirt with her because-; through the powers of projection; I can't read Jadzia as anything but a lesbian. But that's like a gimme, okay; She's got that whole episode with her ex-wife. And I will never stop being mad about the way Rick Berman treated Terry Farrell during the production of DS9. I will never stop being mad at Rick Berman's presence on Star Trek; everything he did to the series actively made it worse. The good parts of 90's Trek are just a testament to the rest of the production staff and crew, really. I've tried very hard to think of a Kira episode I love, all I've come up with is Crossover and that's because I want to kiss Evil Kira sooo bad I look stupid. If I recall, she gets more episodes I enjoy in season 3; season 2 is a little focused on her relationship with Vadek Barielle and I can't stand his ass. As I've composed this post I have finished season two and moved on to three. What do I think of the ending of season two? :-) If I hear "The Dominion" mentioned I tune out and I think I'm stronger for it.

Not to derail myself but I just switched back to my stream and--

Goodness me, how did I forget that hair change for the season three debut? How many m2 of ozone did Terry's stylist destroy for this look? Is that front teased? It looks like it could make use of techniques similar to those seen in late 1800s - very early 1900s hairstyles, but also has some sort of large rolled curl on the back nape of her neck. It also looks uncomfortable. If you're familiar with Trek, you know this kind of derailing incredulousness is not uncommon for me. Star Trek sure did things to hair.

If I had anything else to say it has been clean powerwashed out of my brain wrinkles by my pondering about the mechanics behind that volume and what, on the back, appears to be loose weaving of some-sort. I'm glad I have my undercut and top-knot keeping me well out of the realm of such intensive styling.

Sept. 16, 21;

Wow, today has been a hard one. I was pretty exhausted yesterday working on my site rebuild, not because doing that was exhausting but just because I was very very out of it. Today I woke up in so much pain I woke my girlfriend up with crying, so that was fun. Roommate is still being a pill but I'm just trying oh-so-very hard to ignore the entirety of his existence. Hard when he's starting to give me headaches with all of his slamming doors and such. I'm working on a Button Box page for all my 88x31s, so that's been fun to do today. That will probably go up once I've populated the site badges more; don't expect any marquee updates until the Button Box launches since with it comes a reogranization of some of my images. I'm going to make some attempt to at least organize my assets now, because I haven't been doing that and I've realized that it's probably a bad idea not to. It shouldn't be too difficult since I still don't have very much up, but it is annoying because I really like to just type /img.png for my stuff since I write in visual studio. But that's already starting to make it tedious to push updates. Hopefully I can get some sorting in place :)

Aside from that I'm watching some Deep Space 9 right now; quite enjoying it. Don't have much more to say on it now that I'm sitting here. I'm at the arc at the start of season two and honestly I think the Bajor/Cardassian war is a little weak nowadays. There are critiques to be had of it for sure, as with most 90s Trek, I just think its not the Best; you should consider the fact that my favorite arcs all are in Voyager despite my fondness for DS9. But that may just be the lack of attention span talking; multi-episode arcs may be a little much for me to handle right now. Kind of sad. Anime may be easier to digest right now. I suppose I have some "Fandomy" opinions to share about it, but they're really just as deep as Sisko best Captain-Not-a-Captain, Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax are in love, Odo is a fascist collaborator and I hate him but also he's my poor little meow meow, Quark is also my poor little meow meow but a bastard so obviously I think he and Odo should kiss. Was that anything? Do you feel enriched for knowing I feel that way about DS9? Am I enriched for feeling this way about DS9? I feel like the answer to both of those questions is a resounding and sturdy No.

I'll spare you the dissertation on the effects of fandom culture and Centralized Fandoms like AO3 on media literacy and engagement; just know I do have it and I am not in support of centralized fandom platforms such as AO3. Fanfiction is like, benign; centralizing fandoms into unmoderated and easily accessible to Everyone spaces is like; bad. Especially when there's porn (we all know there is so much porn.) We gotta go back to small forum communities and webrings with moderation. Corporate moderation is never very good, and results in a lot of people being overworked to moderate in a way that is potentially very unhealthy for them both physically and mentally. Volunteer community mods though; oh those are so very good. I think treating mods with hierarchical authority is just a recipe for all those horror stories about discords taken over by egocentrical and powermad moderators, of course the action of moderating does provide one with some authority; my solution to lateralizing that authority is easy. Make moderation something accessible to active users in your community, in a similar style to OkCupid (at least how they used to do it, haven't been on there in 2+ years). Something they can all access as part of their time on the site, and something done via community vote. This of course means that certain communities of certain persuasions will self-moderate in was that some of us may find distasteful, but that they will moderate how the members of those communities see fit. I don't think the communities of fandoms are all the same; the conglomeration of those communities through centralized platforms like AO3 lead to those communities clashing.

The history of these clashes can be seen on sites like Fanfiction.net and Livejournal; larger communities (or just those with more freetime or other resources) use their advantages to moderate marginalized communities off of the platform. Sometimes it's for the better that a community is isolated (i.e. 4chan/8chan/ect should all be as inaccessible as possible due to their histories as a site of fascist radicalization.) But in the past this isolation was applied to queer creators and based on very odd and arbitrary rules derived of minimal understanding of the law. This has lead to, what I can understand as a semi-reasonable, fear of moderation as an act of persecution. I think the only solution to these large multi-community clashes and 'flame wars' (as we used to call them) is the decentralization of fan content back into niche communities for specific content. Whatever the solution is, it certainly is not a total lack of moderation going forward. A lack of moderation creates an unsafe environment only welcoming to those with the greatest ability to look past harmful bigotries; that's not any kind of inclusive.

Fuck I suppose I gave you part of the dissertation anyway. I'll stop here before I venture into the muddier waters of media literacy as told by someone who was pulled out of their media literacy class to finish retaking freshman math.

Sept. 13, 21; Getting Things Up

I have fallen prey to the most annoying of follies for a creative. I keep starting projects and never finishing anything. I don't expect to finish at least one of my projects for several months, but one of the others I did kind of expect more progress on by now. I always have hope that maybe telling people about one of my ideas will get me to actually finish it out. I am incorrect this time; I was incorrect the last 500 times. I am technically working on an [incoherent hemming and hawing] about Achewood; sort of, kinda, if you squint at my notes and pretend they are comprehensible. Reading it is just the first step and I'm still only on the comics from '06! (Just finished re-reading The Great Outdoor Fight today, beautiful arc). I have so much to say already, and this is only compounded by the fact that a lot of the media I've been 'consuming' as of late is absurdist comedy from the '00s. I'm noticing kind of an incredible throughline of toxic masculinity that isn't so prominent in other genres even of the time! Absurdist comedy in the '00s kind of relied exclusively on the comedy of men being utterly horrific! It's no wonder men hold no appeal for me; I was raised on this stuff.

If I start going off now I won't stop honestly, I've got Aqua Teen Hunger Force playing on another monitor (thanks Love for falling asleep with it on) and it makes me want to scream from the roof-tops about the fact adult animation in the '00s almost exclusively protrayed abusive male friendships with women in some sort of proximity but with their only traits defined as wives, daughters, mothers, or "fuckable" (Or the rife with comedic potential "unfuckable"; because there's not enough jokes about ugly women until every man in media production has written one). Instead I will leave it at this: if you feel society has been in the same horrifically misogynistic and homophobic place for the last 20 years; go watch some old William's Street animations. The progress of the last 20 years will be so starkly visible you'll... well, probably just feel intense and visceral disgust towards the years 2002-2007.

Don't actually; I just do this because I have problems disorder and the incredible ability to just cringe and bear it when it comes to what we were calling humor 20 years ago.

Aside from that I'm working on some neopets stuff, a blinky collection, a button collection, more Kev Smith Huge Jorts glitters, a guides page; none of them progressing as fast as I had hoped. Which is perfectly alright! There is no deadline on personal site content, I just need to make it as I please! But I'm annoyed by the stalling because it's due to external factors I have no control over; I'm just in a kind of constantly stressful situation now, so stringing thoughts together is difficult at best. No matter what, it will be resolved when this lease ends and I can get through a problem with a clear and hard end-date. My roommate may not but that's neither here nor there.