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I have opinions. Find them compiled {not really} concisely here! I hope you like long winded women{adjacent}.

Dec 17, 21;

So I just watched We Need To Do Something and I want to go insane and scream. Once upon a time I was nothing but excited for the trend of artful horror, high brow horror as some call it, or A24 horror as those with studio loyalties say. This movie certainly had all the trappings, and really some wonderful cinematography and lighting, really good shot composition. But that's it.

It just looked quite nice with all its soft focus and lived-in color grading. The score suited the tone and the practical effects could have been worse. For a low budget fim made in one place its shot very well! But it's vapid. It's meaningless and nonsensicle, and the plot offers no pay-off to the well set up tension of the first hour. IT's just, a series of events and horrors that mean nothing and then it ends.

Despite obstensibly focusing on a witchy teenage girl and her family, as well as the sins she has so recently commited, its not really about her. It doesn't have anything to say about her, the way she feels, the guilt she feels. It just settles on, no, actually, some teenage lesbians who look like they make hazbin hotel tiktoks ended the world with instagram wicca.

Dearest pagan readers take no offence, for I am a fellow neo-pagan. I just think this film was shit, its witch craft scenes acceptable at most, and its overall plot nonsensicle and so shallow it wouldn't bother my picky kitty-cat to step in it. I wanted to like it, I enjoyed the clusterphoic alienation from one's immediate, dysfunctional family. I really did enjoy all the soft focus and staging.

But no amount of mise en scene or shot composition or soft bleary focus can cover the fact you have nothing to say and are just treading in the tracks of artful teen girl horror for shiggles.

Jennifer's Body walked so this film could shoot itself directly in the ankle.

Dec. 10, 21;

The year is wrapping up and blogging is hard because being alone with ones thoughts during the cold and dark months is a dangerous game to be playing. But let's try anyways.

I kinda super hate that nothing on the web feels transient anymore. Because nothing really is.

All of your messages and posts and pictures that you share via centralized services is backed up to who knows how many servers. Discord messages never disappear and there's no easy way to wipe an entire chat history, especially DMs. I see tumblr posts from 5-10 years ago almost daily. The permanence makes me anixous.

I'm a little bit constantly afraid people are going to find some old post I wrote in high school and I'm going to start getting anon hate on the internet. I know that's silly, I have a very small following that really just consists of my friends. But it is a semi constant anxiety when I use tumblr, a platform I have been on for far far too long. Now, sure I could relieve some of that anxiety by deleting my current tumblr and remaking, but I'd also hate to lose some of the more recent content. But backing up a tumblr blog is less possible than herding feral cats.

As I start to spend more time in a public discord I also, cannot stop thinking about the permanence of the messages. Prior to my current excursion, I stayed in small closed servers of close friends, who I trust with my information. And Prior to using discord at all, I spoke exclusively in transient formats. Chatboxes with message limits before the server starts deleting them, ventrillo chat channels that saved no logs, web IRCs that also, did not save logs. It's freeing to get to expierence those spaces again after so long on a site with permance as intense as tumblr's.

It's not like I haven't had other profiles before tumblr, but you can't find my old deviantart or any of its original posts or journals because I deleted the shit out of it. You can't find any hint or hair of my old myspace because I deleted the shit out of it. My current tumblr, even if I delete it as much as the service allows me; will persist. Not as an easily searchable log but in slowly circulating old posts and in saved logs on the blogs of my friends. As long as I remain on the service with any tie to any links I've shared on tumblr dot com, and tumblr stays up, you will be able to find a potentially uncomfortable amount of information about me.

And I'm sure all of us who have used modern social media can say the same, particularly those of us raised Online.

There's not much that I can do on a personal level other than abandon tumblr and stop sharing personal information via centralized service. But I'm probably not going to. I'm comfortable and complacent, and I do primarily use Tumblr to interact with people I consider my friends, even if I know they are not the only ones viewing my content. And I know that there's a high chance that one day this will come back to bite me in the ass. But what can you do when the fucking walled gardens are the only way you can get even a shit similacrum of human interaction?

I don't think anything said casually by one person is meant to be perserved for decades, but I also think we need to archive and preserve the web, especially the personal web. I don't think its actually a matter of permanence but rather of centralized accessibility and a lack of control of your data. Since I don't archive my site in anyway, I could just delete all my files from neocities and the only person able to enjoy this content would be me, with my local backups. I like that. I like that level of control over the information I hand out. Sometimes you can write something and think that it's fine at the time, but with a bit of reflection realize it kinda sucks, for whatever reason. And you should be able to just totally delete it.

Now I know a basic part of online security is not to post personal information, since the internet is semi-permanent. But it doesn't have to be and frankly I think spaces like social media should not be. It was annoying to replant yourself in a different digital ecosystem every couple of years or months but it was nice, it gave you opportunities for clean starts and the loss of embarrassing data.

Now every major social space has been a major social space since I was a wee teen. They don't die or cycle anymore. It's just been facebook and fucking twitter. It sucks and I hate it.

I dunno, do better than me and actually delete your social media. I'm sure sooner than later I'll be driven away from tumblr for one reason or another.

Oct. 20, 21;

Okay, so, the professional certification industry is a fucking scam.

Yeah, hello, if you can't guess, the ennui of aging has made me start having to consider what it is I am going to be doing with all of my time and also for an income. Based on the fact that lately I have become entirely delighted basically everytime I have to do any sort of work on a computer, my current consideration is grabbing a compTIA A+ Cert. And I'm totally and utterly infuriated by it.

Not by the contents I have to study, those are fine even though I really am terrible at networking and also know nothing about mobile devices and how their hardware differs from desktop computers. I mean, I know it's basically all the same stuff in there but oh, Gosh, oh jeez.

No I'm just totally pissed off about the certification industry. I've been mad at the certification industry since I first had to tango with it in the process of getting a GED after ditching high school (for reasons). Now if you were a run of the mill person who did school the way school wants you to, you may have never had to deal with the process of purchasing a certifcation. It sucks ass. It sucks so much ass. I mean, I personally am choosing it over going to college, so it's not like it's harder or more expensive than getting some higher education; it's just painfully clear the whole time how these companies that develop and manage professional certifications are taking massive advantage of you.

Without discounts or bundles, the cost of the two exams necessary for A+ certification cost $460. Physical copies of the text books to study from for the exams are $100. There are two text books, as there are two exams. So that's $660. Or you could pay a whole $90 for the e-book versions! What a deal! A class offered by CompTIA, that they call philanthropy? $8500 of tuition for either a 16-week online class or an 8 week in person class in major cities.

If that isn't a fuck load of money for you, please send me an email here so I can send you my paypal and you can help me achieve my depressing adulthood compromise dream. If that does sound like a fuckload of money to you, yes, it is. In the process of all of the shit little jobs I've managed to wiggle my way into and cling to; I've never saved more than $630. It's kind of wildly hard to when the highest you've ever been paid is $12.75 an hour. And you only got the extra 75 cents because Wal-Mart is afraid of losing you to the Cost-Co thats coming to town.

Ya see where I'm going with this?

Make a guess.

Yeah, so, the professional certification industry exists to keep the working poor in the service industry and keep entry level white collar jobs accessible to only the middle class and petit bourgeois. The loss of on the job training coincides quite nicely with the rise of the American economy as a service based one. The loss of on the job training also birthed the professional certification industry as we now know it; once upon a time the intent of certifcations was that they were investments your employer would make into your career. Now the expectation is that you will get yourself certified, you will fund your certification training and exams, and you will do this because it will make you employable.

Now, this expectation seems to just apply to the basic certifications, the ones you need to even start trying to get your foot in the door for a specialized career. In theory, at least, once you have that first one you can use it to get a job, and then get your employer to invest in further certifications.

Have you ever tried to get your boss to invest in training anyone in any fashion?

So you can guess that the expectation is Really that you will get a job, you will work full time, and in the free time you have outside of your job, you will persue further certification.

Also the certifications expire, renewal means either having enough continuing education credits to renew, or paying to retake the test.

And this isn't just in tech certifications; any industry that you could "get into" with a cert or liscense, has this fucking problem. This fucking problem of your career needing a down payment that you may never be able to afford in your current job, that's why you're looking at a certified industry, they fucking pay better.

At least college lets you get student loans. What are you supposed to do for a cert? Finance it with Affirm, the lovely financing partner of CompTIA, just $30 a month for a $700 loan necessary to get your fucking certification. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but the idea of financing my mandatory certification with the company that advertises itself all over the internet and normalizes the acquiring of debt for unnecessary goods, makes me wanna vomit.

If you're also in the hell of considering a compTIA A+ cert, please direct your attention to libgen.fun for study guides and textbooks. Do not pay $200 for textbooks. The actual tests must be paid for at some point, but you may as well study for free. I don't really have a further point here. Have a good day and try not to be consumed by the dread of existing in an uncaring society.

Oct. 15, 21; It's my birthday 🍠

Happy birthday to Me. :-)

I don't really have anything to talk about actually, I'm not doing anything for the Event. I went on a two hour wander about the city last night. That was something. I grabbed a chocolate mousse from walmart but turns out it was just chocolate cream cheese frosting, so. My dearest girlfriend and I have been watching What We Do In The Shadows (the series), and that's been great. Love that. Love those gay vampires.

Pretty sure I bought a fiji water from a ghost in a kwik corner last night though. I don't really know how to elaborate on that. Gas station just had really haunted vibes. Also the cashier admitted to staring at me which I didn't even notice so that was uncomfortable. I regret paying $3 for probably haunted water. I panicked basically as soon as I got in there. And then still went to a different gas station for snacks and drinks. I don't want to eat cursed-vibe gas station jerky. I didn't even want the $3 cursed water. I just didn't want to be weird and enter a place and then immediately leave without purchasing anything. So I bought $3 cursed water.

I made another linux skin, using Oomox/Themix, the flatpak distribution that from what I can tell is depreciated but at the moment; still works. But I've got a bunch of updates including ones for Cinnamon (the desktop environment rendering the theme) so, theres a chance that it could be broken in about an hour, after I restart and update my machine.

Oomox theme, using a wallpaper from moonpixels.moongraphics.nl

If you can't tell I really like 'edgy' early internet aesthetics. Not like shock edgy but like, emo girl edgy. I've recently taken to calling myself a girl like a website is a girl, and, yeah. My website and my computer are like, extensions of my gender expression because I've always been a "girl on the internet". Which, some of you may not have been around for, but being a girl on the internet was like, the worst possible thing in the late '00s early '10s. That weird gamer thing, you know, the gamer thing with like a gate, that happened when I was a high schooler, who was really into video games. Yeah that sucked, it drove me out of a lot of multiplayer spaces and off of mic for years. I still don't use a mic in any pub games. Online spaces full of "emo girls" like myspace were also full of predatory adult men, and constant weaponized misogyny and harrassment.

Scene girls with magenta and black myspace pages who were huge internet bullies; I forgive you, the space was wildly different from how it is now-a-days. I'm shocked and disgusted everytime I see someone link to a carrd with all of their triggers neatly listed. Because I was around when the internet was a constant unending stream of bullying and any sort of authenticity or vulnerability was just something strangers would gladly use to hurt you if you got their attention. I suppose it is still like that, we're just more prone to huge mob action in the form of callout justice, because there are so many more of us Online. I know for a fact that kids are still getting hurt by the internet the same way I was hurt as a kid. Centralized platforms haven't done anything aside from put children and adults in more and more the same online spaces. And, well. My expierence with mixed age group online spaces was not positive. Is all I will say of that.

Kids need to interact with adults but unsupervised and barely moderated internet platforms are not the place they should be doing it. And yeah teens are kids. Teens should totally not be on twitter or tiktok, teens should not be posting their actual real names and faces to the internet, or a detailed list of their trauma and triggers. I don't think adults should either. I am guilty of posting my real name and face to the internet. I really don't think I should have or should continue to though. But, I probably will; I like the attention of all my girl mutuals on tumblr (hiii ladies).

And that's the thing, we all like attention. Kids and teens really really Need attention. When parents are expected to work for 40 hours a week under capitalism (minimum), it's hard to give kids and teens the attention they need. It becomes even harder to supervise internet activities when you don't have the time or energy to really build a relationship with your child. I had neglectful parents because they were worn out because of the crushing grind of capitalism and poverty. I turned to the internet for attention. I got hurt. And now that basically Everyone (in certain privleged parts of the globe) is online, and we're all isolated because of a raging pandemic, that's getting worse. Probably a lot worse with centralized platforms with pretty open DM settings.

Oh. Jeeze. I got sad huh.
I do that a lot, I've had a lot of birthday ennui this year so I haven't been blogging much because I've been trying not to get sad.

I'm okay though, I'm not like actually depressed I'm just really afraid for all the digital trauma Gen Z and Alpha are going to have. I think I'm technically Gen Z, but I was raised in the far off northern land of Alaska, which was basically stuck in the '90s until instagram got popular. Also as I mentioned earlier I was more into Gamer communities than like, social media as a teen. Myspace and facebook were around but I kinda hated both of them and really liked minecraft. Those spaces were terrible and bad for me, but honestly, with what I see out of social media; I'm so glad I was in them and not on Instagram.

So, happy birthday to me. Death to the corporate internet. Uhhh, don't give a smart phone to anyone under the age of 16. Cool? Cool.


Sept. 28, 21; A rant without context

I'm kind of disgusted with all the so-called anti-capitalist leftists I see around who are also happy to openly state they indulge in "lolcow" drama or K***farms browsing sessions [I would prefer to keep this site well away from any potential search engine results about that hellish forum]. Now, maybe I am a hypocrite because in the past, I have indulged in these two things. But I don't think so. I was 19, having a mental breakdown and just all around bad time. I was using these concentrated forums of mockery, mostly towards people like myself, as a form of self harm. I think a lot of people are. And I think it's truly a disgusting way to go about such self destruction. But the worst part about LGBT+ Leftists immersing themselves in these spaces, is the prevalence of using K*F as a source for callout claims. If you aren't intimately familiar with this side of the internet, let me give you a brief breakdown.

K*F started as a forum for mocking a particular autistic internet trans woman in 2013. I will not name her, I know she has done actually immoral and harmful things; I don't care. I don't think any one person deserves an entire forum dedicated to mocking and harassing them. Especially when that forum is full of fascists. Now, I don't know about the current climate in those terrible terrible forums, I have carefully avoided them for years since my last "episode", but if memory serves, it was fairly standard to constantly be transphobic, homophobic, racist, ableist, just; you know, all of the shit that is bad and hurtful and that actively sabotages class solidarity? Based on the community that built those forums, I assume they're still largely unchanged. Now, in my time there I never posted, I've been a serial lurker for most of my online life; I just enjoy people watching. I did a lot of people watching on K*F*.

"lolcows", a truly demeaning term for people who just happen to exist visibly on the internet who are weird, dramatic, mentally ill, or just queer. There are genres of this label, but they're almost always the same in some way. Since I was a fat lesbian, explicitly trying to hurt myself, I spent a lot of time in the thread for a particular fat lesbian who, sure, I guess she seems like an asshole. I also occasionally ventured out into threads for people who became "cows" just by virtue of being fat and gay on youtube. Now, some threads did actually point to people doing actually harmful things, such as child abuse, but the primary content of those threads was never disgust towards the abuse; it just made a lovely frame for calling these, mostly women, "crazy and dangerous attention whores" and various slurs that the Observers at the farms had deemed fitting enough. The men that achieved "cow" status were almost always autistic, fat, and visibly mentally ill. More often than not, also gay.

So in my people watching across these various genres I noticed something; an average of 10-15% of the posts in threads about fat women had that distinct tone that, if you've been on tumblr since 2013, you recognize as a tumblr user. Like, the UwU tumblr users. The few threads about men that I lurked were almost entirely K*F 'natives', whos tone aligns more closely with the people we see on image boards. Not the fun ones. Often, one would see one of these channers pop into a 'lite' thread, link to another thread full of more radically hateful rhetoric than what would rear its head in the 'lite' threads. Like, maybe, just drop a link to the thread with K*F's archive of a mass shooters live stream, or just pin it to the top of every page on the site so everyone who visits for a week can watch people die and spew racism into a thread that obstensibly, exists to resist censorship. The censorship of a video of people dying. While the man killing them recites image board memes.

So it's an alt-right pipeline. Clearly. Sure at first it was just a gathering spot for assholes who wanted to stalk and mock a specific person, but over the years the forum has expanded and now holds threads on people who have done everything from Be Autistic Online to Be Fat Online, oh and also maybe admitted to actual criminal abuse. It pulls in teens and those of us who retained our need for Gossip into adulthood with juicy details of Drama, hundreds of threads acting as a directory of every sin that's graced cyberspace. Sins, defined to be such by fascists. If some sort of big drama bursts out online, its almost promised that one or more participants in it has a dedicated K*F thread. A thread, that they want you to stumble into when you google to try and figure out what's going on. It's a fascist recruitment site, full of fascists, with a culture built entirely by fascists.

Indulgence in "lolcow" culture is disgusting. It's particularly disgusting for leftists because doing so is always an act of aligning yourself with fash. They invented the term, the dehumanising term meant for mocking autists. If you indulge in these spaces, and openly admit to such, just don't get mad when no one wants anything to do with you. I remember very well that no one wanted anything to do with me while I was in these spaces. That's the point of them. To isolate you down to a social group of vile dickheads. And turn you into one of them.

I don't think you should let them.

Sept. 16, 21;

Wow, today has been a hard one. I was pretty exhausted yesterday working on my site rebuild, not because doing that was exhausting but just because I was very very out of it. Today I woke up in so much pain I woke my girlfriend up with crying, so that was fun. Roommate is still being a pill but I'm just trying oh-so-very hard to ignore the entirety of his existence. Hard when he's starting to give me headaches with all of his slamming doors and such. I'm working on a Button Box page for all my 88x31s, so that's been fun to do today. That will probably go up once I've populated the site badges more; don't expect any marquee updates until the Button Box launches since with it comes a reogranization of some of my images. I'm going to make some attempt to at least organize my assets now, because I haven't been doing that and I've realized that it's probably a bad idea not to. It shouldn't be too difficult since I still don't have very much up, but it is annoying because I really like to just type /img.png for my stuff since I write in visual studio. But that's already starting to make it tedious to push updates. Hopefully I can get some sorting in place :)

Aside from that I'm watching some Deep Space 9 right now; quite enjoying it. Don't have much more to say on it now that I'm sitting here. I'm at the arc at the start of season two and honestly I think the Bajor/Cardassian war is a little weak nowadays. There are critiques to be had of it for sure, as with most 90s Trek, I just think its not the Best; you should consider the fact that my favorite arcs all are in Voyager despite my fondness for DS9. But that may just be the lack of attention span talking; multi-episode arcs may be a little much for me to handle right now. Kind of sad. Anime may be easier to digest right now. I suppose I have some "Fandomy" opinions to share about it, but they're really just as deep as Sisko best Captain-Not-a-Captain, Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax are in love, Odo is a fascist collaborator and I hate him but also he's my poor little meow meow, Quark is also my poor little meow meow but a bastard so obviously I think he and Odo should kiss. Was that anything? Do you feel enriched for knowing I feel that way about DS9? Am I enriched for feeling this way about DS9? I feel like the answer to both of those questions is a resounding and sturdy No.

I'll spare you the dissertation on the effects of fandom culture and Centralized Fandoms like AO3 on media literacy and engagement; just know I do have it and I am not in support of centralized fandom platforms such as AO3. Fanfiction is like, benign; centralizing fandoms into unmoderated and easily accessible to Everyone spaces is like; bad. Especially when there's porn (we all know there is so much porn.) We gotta go back to small forum communities and webrings with moderation. Corporate moderation is never very good, and results in a lot of people being overworked to moderate in a way that is potentially very unhealthy for them both physically and mentally. Volunteer community mods though; oh those are so very good. I think treating mods with hierarchical authority is just a recipe for all those horror stories about discords taken over by egocentrical and powermad moderators, of course the action of moderating does provide one with some authority; my solution to lateralizing that authority is easy. Make moderation something accessible to active users in your community, in a similar style to OkCupid (at least how they used to do it, haven't been on there in 2+ years). Something they can all access as part of their time on the site, and something done via community vote. This of course means that certain communities of certain persuasions will self-moderate in was that some of us may find distasteful, but that they will moderate how the members of those communities see fit. I don't think the communities of fandoms are all the same; the conglomeration of those communities through centralized platforms like AO3 lead to those communities clashing.

The history of these clashes can be seen on sites like Fanfiction.net and Livejournal; larger communities (or just those with more freetime or other resources) use their advantages to moderate marginalized communities off of the platform. Sometimes it's for the better that a community is isolated (i.e. 4chan/8chan/ect should all be as inaccessible as possible due to their histories as a site of fascist radicalization.) But in the past this isolation was applied to queer creators and based on very odd and arbitrary rules derived of minimal understanding of the law. This has lead to, what I can understand as a semi-reasonable, fear of moderation as an act of persecution. I think the only solution to these large multi-community clashes and 'flame wars' (as we used to call them) is the decentralization of fan content back into niche communities for specific content. Whatever the solution is, it certainly is not a total lack of moderation going forward. A lack of moderation creates an unsafe environment only welcoming to those with the greatest ability to look past harmful bigotries; that's not any kind of inclusive.

Fuck I suppose I gave you part of the dissertation anyway. I'll stop here before I venture into the muddier waters of media literacy as told by someone who was pulled out of their media literacy class to finish retaking freshman math.