8L0G SP@C3

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Welcome to my blog! Here you will find blogs! Expect unedited adult language, typos, and discussions of adult topics and adult problems! If you're a minor or uncomfortable with such discussions and language, leave now. Before I inevitably say fuck. This is going to just be a constantly updating stream of post divs (in order of most to least recent); have fun scrolling!

Jan, 10, 23;

Hiii did you miss me? I missed you. Don't believe me? Sucks, bruh.

I've been SUPER sad. I don't know if you, specifically, know this, but the suburbs suck ass. Yeah, sure, I am experiencing a lot of love and fulfillment from cleaning house and organizing the pantry and what-not. But, it fucking sucks. I miss walking places and having an idea of where I am in relation to my favorite places to go. Right now, I have no fucking idea. I haven't had any fucking idea for nearly a year. All I know is I can walk to a qwiktrip and a walgreens.

Let me take this moment to say, happy birthday to Cephalopod Hieronymous Anderson-Parkins, my wife, light of my life, the moon to my sun, and the gravity to my stars, who makes the suburban hellscape make some sort of sense.

And then, let me say, I hate the suburbs. I miss the city and the college town and the rural area with all of my heart. In the city you have the benefit of a happening social life and night life and constantly open shopping venues; in the college town you have the benefit of; again; a happening social life and a nightlife and oddly timed openings on you grocery and pharmacies; in the rural area you have limited availablity of business and constantly happening social functions such as bonfires and potlucks and dances and charity drives-; it's incredible. In the suburbs the only thing that is consistent is the operating hours of businesses—which serves me no good, as I am a chronically impoverished and disabled adult. There are no social functions, no proper nightlife, not even a basic respect for the idea of a pedestrian. Walking to the gas station to get myself a treat or a vice near always, results in someone honking at me or gawking at me or otherwise interrogating my right to exist in their peaceful neighborhood. It hurts. I live here, I am a member of this community, I exist within this space and I am your neighbor, yet still, since I cannot drive, I am treated as some sort of invader, a tressspasser. It sucks! It sucks a lot! I cannot even begin to imagine how much it sucks for my neighbors who do not have the guise of whiteness as an excuse to exist within this space!

As you can see, I have had a very hard time acclimating. I thought I was settled in Augsust. I'm not. I'm not settled and I am not comfortable. I love my wife and I love my roommate, I love my home and I love our pets, but I do not love the space in which I have had to make my life.

For-;whatever reason-;I thought there would be a greater accessibility in my life. I thought I would have agency and autonomy and authority. I don't. The only space I certainly control within my life is the kitchen. That hurts. It hurts in a diffrent way from the hurt I have previously expressed. Despite my best efforts, my externally recognized intellectual struggles, I am still in the same place as my mother. My dominion is the kitchen, the pantry, the linen closet, the laundry.

I do not believe this to be some insidious decision made for me by outside actors-;whether it be the patriarchy or the general concept of the sociatal expectations of womanhood-;I've simply, ended up here. Why, though? Why, in an age of unprecedented female empowerment, have I ended up in a position mirroring that of my foremothers rather than blazing new trails?

I don't know. I do not have an answer for myself, nor for you.

I am still young, and I should not expect myself to know anything, and you should not expect me to know anything, either. Yet, still, I expect myself to have an answer.

I can't tell you if this is a result of being raised as a girl or being raised as 'intelligent'.

I don't know if I will ever, in my expected 80+ years of existence, will be able to tell you the difference between being a "girl" and being uniquely "intelligent", while undervalued.

All of this is to say, that I have been slowly chipping away at pages, and ideas, and thoughts. I just haven't been able to see any through to the end in the last year or so.

I have pages in the works, you don't need me to tell you that. I do, and if you notice my updates; sporatic as they may be; you have noticed I am working.

All I can say, is I am in a state of transition, of not knowing who I am or what I want. I'm doing my best to find the answers to those questions, but those are my questions to answer. Even in the highly curated state of a modern personal website, there are some things I must keep close to my chest.

Just know that I love you, specifically: and I am doing my best. So is everyone else.

Oct 18, 22;

Wow, that depression sure do be cyclical, huh? I have a great reason this time though. My fucking cat died. So I think it's fair I shut down for a good month, you know. It was my birthday on Saturday and that helped a lot with dragging me out of it but I'm still not doing like, amazing. It is hard to be sad girl as hell when you just got nice thoughtful gifts.

So the harrow liveblog will keep going, and there will be a nona live blog; probably before I get around to a gideon reread because [drumroll] my amazing roomie got me all 3 books for my birthday!!! :-D They're mine I can ruin the pages with dog-ears and notes in the margin and highlighter scrawls. As is my right as a reader. I don't know when I will pick it back up because I did spend a month coalescing into a sad lump. But I'll get around to it.

I don't have much else to talk about I just like to pop in when I disappear after a string frequent of updates. I don't have a lot of other content planned right now because making plans keeps making be freeze up, you know? It's absolutely intolerable. I've got plenty of half written pages and file collections kicking around though, I'll try to sink myself back into the site because I know working on it is good for my mental health. It's like equine therapy for autism; static site therapy for autism.
i dunno i think im funny and i am too afraid of horses to ever consider equine therapy.

dithered image of The Locked Tomb books stacked ontop of one another, spines out.

My new collection of hard copies, on top of the library copy of Harrow The Ninth I've been reading thus far.
I got spoiled this year ;w;

Aug 10, 22;

Wow moving is hard. Both moving houses and physically moving my human body. I haven't written a post since before I moved because of that. I moved and I was joyously productive, and then I got hit with depression. And that turned into a pain flare-up. And now I am medicated again and I can sit at my computer without wanting to debone myself :-) Isn't that lovely? So what have I been up to: I moved, I settled in, I cleaned and preformed housewifely duties like a pro, I got burnt out on doing that, I started rewatching inuyasha, my burn out turned into like two weeks of back pain, I watched all of Neon Genisis Evangelion (and also My Next Life as a Villianess but I have more feelings about NGE), I celebrated my roomies birthday and my girlfriend and I's anniversary at some point during all that, it was great, loved doing that.

And I read Gideon The Ninth so I am forever changed in new and unexpected ways.

I am coming to learn I am in the minority of people who went apeshit (in a good way) about the final two episodes of Evangelion and it got me to type up my first review of a series on My Anime List. So now I feel bad for shrugging it off as the sadboy robot anime for so long. But you can't blame me, people have been discussiong Eva like it's the wife wars since 1996. That's not the point of Evangelion we'll get to the point of Evangelion I can promise you that. If I put my soul into a page about HIMYM and have continued to think about it long enough to consider a few revisions, I have to make a page on Eva. Eva literally kicked my depressions ass and fixed it. HIMYM only made me worse.

I have no current plans about the site I want to announce because doing that has been killing me. But I do want to update my theme because it's not really reflective of the hottest summer that has ever summered. I hope my homepage has remained cool and refreshing for anyone poking their head in during these hotter than fuck days. You are safe to expect that one day I will post a page about NGE and a page about The Locked Tomb, but since I am not doing that NOW...

I recommend watching NGE for its themes of depression and self loathing (also mech slapstick) and I recommend reading Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir if you like lesbian necromancers in space and are not currently using your heart.

Mar 20, 22;

Hi I've been pretty wildly depressed. Well, that's an oversimplification. I'm going to be moving shortly and finances get exceptionally stressful for disabled people when trying to relocate across the country. There is hope now and I'm finally starting to feel like a person again, so things are good. Which is why I finally feel up to writing a blog post, confident it will not diverge into a terribly sad screed.

That being said I also don't have very much to talk about. I've been a bit of a stressed lump. I'm not sure how people can have such large changes on the horizon and manage to do anything, because I have barely managed to do anything. I don't have any news on any of my projects, I've been pretty incapable of working on them. The small chips of progress I have made have been very good, and I am excited to polish them. But nothing to show, and no update to give alongside this blog post.

I'm reading books again, well, a book. The Persistent Desire; a femme/butch reader, is a very good collection and often drives me to tears. I'd like to go on some dyke rant here, but I'm really only just starting to solidly formulate those to myself and my girlfriend. I still remember far too vividly the days where I just stopped openly being a girl on the internet in any public space outside of tumblr.com.

The early dawn of social media and widely accessible online gaming was a dark time. From what I've seen from those who have remained a bit more digitally open than I have over the years, those days are largely over. Misogyny and sexist harrassment still exists (in far too great of numbers), but no longer proliferates every VoIP server, or public game lobby.

Spaces now exist, even flourish, in the digital hobbies we were all bemoaning as toxicly masculine in 2014. The hobbies I largely abandoned after a lot of sexist harrassment as a young girl on the internet. I've run into more women moderating gaming communities with proper protective rules than I have ever before, and I no longer see even the edgiest I find trying to share photos of corpses... in public.

Though I will admit the recent war has sparked some into trying to bring back the foul tradition. Always met with immediate pushback (even bans) in the casual spaces I lurk in, something I never would have imagined in 2011. Once upon a time to me and all my friends, both adults and teenagers, online gaming and socializing meant you had to bite your tongue and deal with those things. Every gaming space had a few who would post gore and several more who would say the most inappropriate things you've ever heard to anyone with a 'girl's voice'.

It's a nice change. One I hadn't started to appreciate until yesterday, actually. It just kind of happened without my noticing. I suppose to notice I would have had to stay in the very public spaces I retreated from 5 or more years ago. I suppose that this is a plea not to mistake all of my nostalgia for a longing to return. I'm glad I get to exist comfortably in cyberspace in a way my teenage self had no hope of imagining, let alone knowing.

Once upon a time I got command locked to a block in minecraft and had to watch in baby dyke horror as my dear friends built a chapel around me and forced a minecraft marriage to a boy upon me. Because my upset screams were just the funniest thing anyone in that Ventrillo had ever heard.

Last week I watched a man get time kicked from a gaming server for joking about kissing someone who was uncomfortable with it. I've been thinking about it constantly; like that one act of reasonable moderation is a soothing balm for that very, very, upset twelve year old I once was.

And It still took me until I was 21 to comfortably be a lesbian, Jesus Christ; I cried over the idea of marrying a boy at age 12 and it took me another 9 years holeeeshit.

Dec 17, 21;

So I just watched We Need To Do Something and I want to go insane and scream. Once upon a time I was nothing but excited for the trend of artful horror, high brow horror as some call it, or A24 horror as those with studio loyalties say. This movie certainly had all the trappings, and really some wonderful cinematography and lighting, really good shot composition. But that's it.

It just looked quite nice with all its soft focus and lived-in color grading. The score suited the tone and the practical effects could have been worse. For a low budget fim made in one place its shot very well! But it's vapid. It's meaningless and nonsensicle, and the plot offers no pay-off to the well set up tension of the first hour. IT's just, a series of events and horrors that mean nothing and then it ends.

Despite obstensibly focusing on a witchy teenage girl and her family, as well as the sins she has so recently commited, its not really about her. It doesn't have anything to say about her, the way she feels, the guilt she feels. It just settles on, no, actually, some teenage lesbians who look like they make hazbin hotel tiktoks ended the world with instagram wicca.

Dearest pagan readers take no offence, for I am a fellow neo-pagan. I just think this film was shit, its witch craft scenes acceptable at most, and its overall plot nonsensicle and so shallow it wouldn't bother my picky kitty-cat to step in it. I wanted to like it, I enjoyed the clusterphoic alienation from one's immediate, dysfunctional family. I really did enjoy all the soft focus and staging.

But no amount of mise en scene or shot composition or soft bleary focus can cover the fact you have nothing to say and are just treading in the tracks of artful teen girl horror for shiggles.

Jennifer's Body walked so this film could shoot itself directly in the ankle.

Dec. 10, 21;

The year is wrapping up and blogging is hard because being alone with ones thoughts during the cold and dark months is a dangerous game to be playing. But let's try anyways.

I kinda super hate that nothing on the web feels transient anymore. Because nothing really is.

All of your messages and posts and pictures that you share via centralized services is backed up to who knows how many servers. Discord messages never disappear and there's no easy way to wipe an entire chat history, especially DMs. I see tumblr posts from 5-10 years ago almost daily. The permanence makes me anixous.

I'm a little bit constantly afraid people are going to find some old post I wrote in high school and I'm going to start getting anon hate on the internet. I know that's silly, I have a very small following that really just consists of my friends. But it is a semi constant anxiety when I use tumblr, a platform I have been on for far far too long. Now, sure I could relieve some of that anxiety by deleting my current tumblr and remaking, but I'd also hate to lose some of the more recent content. But backing up a tumblr blog is less possible than herding feral cats.

As I start to spend more time in a public discord I also, cannot stop thinking about the permanence of the messages. Prior to my current excursion, I stayed in small closed servers of close friends, who I trust with my information. And Prior to using discord at all, I spoke exclusively in transient formats. Chatboxes with message limits before the server starts deleting them, ventrillo chat channels that saved no logs, web IRCs that also, did not save logs. It's freeing to get to expierence those spaces again after so long on a site with permance as intense as tumblr's.

It's not like I haven't had other profiles before tumblr, but you can't find my old deviantart or any of its original posts or journals because I deleted the shit out of it. You can't find any hint or hair of my old myspace because I deleted the shit out of it. My current tumblr, even if I delete it as much as the service allows me; will persist. Not as an easily searchable log but in slowly circulating old posts and in saved logs on the blogs of my friends. As long as I remain on the service with any tie to any links I've shared on tumblr dot com, and tumblr stays up, you will be able to find a potentially uncomfortable amount of information about me.

And I'm sure all of us who have used modern social media can say the same, particularly those of us raised Online.

There's not much that I can do on a personal level other than abandon tumblr and stop sharing personal information via centralized service. But I'm probably not going to. I'm comfortable and complacent, and I do primarily use Tumblr to interact with people I consider my friends, even if I know they are not the only ones viewing my content. And I know that there's a high chance that one day this will come back to bite me in the ass. But what can you do when the fucking walled gardens are the only way you can get even a shit similacrum of human interaction?

I don't think anything said casually by one person is meant to be perserved for decades, but I also think we need to archive and preserve the web, especially the personal web. I don't think its actually a matter of permanence but rather of centralized accessibility and a lack of control of your data. Since I don't archive my site in anyway, I could just delete all my files from neocities and the only person able to enjoy this content would be me, with my local backups. I like that. I like that level of control over the information I hand out. Sometimes you can write something and think that it's fine at the time, but with a bit of reflection realize it kinda sucks, for whatever reason. And you should be able to just totally delete it.

Now I know a basic part of online security is not to post personal information, since the internet is semi-permanent. But it doesn't have to be and frankly I think spaces like social media should not be. It was annoying to replant yourself in a different digital ecosystem every couple of years or months but it was nice, it gave you opportunities for clean starts and the loss of embarrassing data.

Now every major social space has been a major social space since I was a wee teen. They don't die or cycle anymore. It's just been facebook and fucking twitter. It sucks and I hate it.

I dunno, do better than me and actually delete your social media. I'm sure sooner than later I'll be driven away from tumblr for one reason or another.

Nov. 23, 21;

No update. Backpain flare up keeping me from focusing.

Going to write my star trek reviews layout and build its infrastructure I think.

Star Trek is easy to think about.

I drew this cool turtle.

Nov. 17, 21;

Okay the time has come to test how this directory will affect my blogging workflow. I don't anticipate it being too bad. I'll just have to keep on myself about updating the directory everytime I write a post, right? Oh, lets hope that goes well. Hopefully the topics I've given myself will help give me some focus in my blogging; I'm sure they will morph and change. This post is going to be a little directionless though, will probably end up filed under personal; let's see where I go with it.

Thanks to the folks in the Yesterweb I've gotten back in touch with a few additional old web hobbies; The Winter site theme will have a chatbox; it will not be my nostalgic Chatango hosting it though; I don't know how to get their chats working on my current system and I don't feel like providing troubleshooting advice for both my https banning guestbook {please email me if you want to say something in the guestbook but don't want to use an unsecured form} and my ChatBox. So I'm using cbox. Seems to work on most machines and browsers and that's good enough for me. Hopefully it will provide an acceptable alternative to my guestbook for those who don't want to use an unsecured form.

That's all the winter home page will come with. I think I'll save any updates for the current layout for next Fall; because it's quite a cozy little Halloween theme. I'm Craving something a little more spacious and crisp for winter though. Seasonal layouts are a nice timed project with very reasonable deadlines. Happy to be doing them. Wow Jeez maybe people should live in time with seasonal changes--- No don't run away I'm not a real primmie I swear; look I use CSS Animations!

I'm very happy to be spending my time on this site rather than other social medias; even if it does mean I feel like I'm missing out a little. I shouldn't let FOMO drive me to doom scroll through Tumblr though. moving to healthier webspaces is certainly an effort but it is one that I'm finding very rewarding. I'm greatly enjoying using retroshare and group chats and even Email.

Retroshare has a certain learning curve so I can't recommend it to most casual users; but anyone whos used a p2p torrenting client to Legally acquire public domain materials should be comfortable with its p2p networking. Unless you are using retroshare to violate some sort of copyright, which of course you should never do, there's no real need to use a hidden Tor node and port forwarding and precluding the use of a VPN should be safe and fine, especially if you only allow direct connections from folks you know and trust. Some VPNs do allow you to use a port forward though; I suggest looking into them if that's interesting to you; I may or may not get around to a guide or two.

I just really love the ease of creation I'm expierencing with HTML and CSS. While I am becoming tempted by the darkside of server backed web 2.0 capabilities like PhP; none of the content I wish to currently make or host would require such abilities. I just find them intriguing is all. My next step will probably have to be into JavaScript; but I think that can wait. I've got several cool CSS use cases to study and attempt to implement; alongside a few guides, classes, courses even. But to be completely honest with you I have more material to study than I know what to do with. Perhaps some kind of project to organize and sche-- No. No more projects. For now at least; I'm starting to feel overwhelmed again with all my new ideas since I 'finished' the Neopets shrine.

Maybe I can do some Star Trek Reviews. As a treat.

After I finish the winter layout about page update :-) I gave myself a deadline of december 21st since that's the first day of winter, technically, but if you ask me winter starts when November starts. And how fun would it be to be done with a project long before my self imposed due-date rather than long after. What a dream. I'm getting a bit of a rush just thinking about it.

Think I'm going to call it here and try to push this post before bed. If you see this before the Evening of the 17th, I have succeeded for it is currently the wee hours of the AM.
I think this belongs more in site.html, don't you?

Nov. 11, 21;

Okay, so a quick Informal Post before I get to making a whole webpage about it;

Ya ever Hear of RetroShare ?

Probably not, considering. RetroShare is a p2p network with chat, email, forums and more built ontop of it. You can share files with anyone in your network, thanks to retroshare being built from the ground up on peer-to-peer file transfers. Some of us in the Yesterweb Discord Server are working on establishing a Yesterweb network for those of us apart of this particular corner of the 'smallweb'.

Above is a screenshot of the Yesterweb RetroShare Forum; created just this morning :-D! Get in on the ground floor with this one folks--

No. I'll stop 'pitching'. Out of self love exclusively.

I'm actually deeply in love with this software, and feel comfortable on the internet for the first time in years, maybe even a full Decade. The death of Chatrooms was really devastating to how I use the internet. As well as my own IP ban from Chatango, but that's besides the point. Having a chatroom I can pop in and out of at any time is lovely. Having a customizable software it lives in is even better. Being able to use p2p transfers to share by Non Copyrighted Legal To Distribute Content to all of my friends? Even Better. Forums and Boards and Channels-- all of it properly decentralized, hosted on our own machines running their own nodes. No overhead, no ads, no infringments upon my digital life for corprate gain. It's a beautiful thing.

Sure this also makes the network potentially unstable, necessitating high interconnectivity between the nodes for optimal speeds and usage, but that just encourages you to make friends; explore the edges of your network for additional connections. In a way that's far more human than the never-ending search for content encouraged by social media. It means you can also have as big or as small of a network as you would like, a p2p network ends up mandating a level of trust; your IP isn't exactly hidden nor hard to find.

This shouldn't discourage you from using RetroShare, you may still use Tor to hide yourself and public areas like chatrooms and forums use personas; and you can absolutely make an anonymous persona. The only problem with using Tor is I believe it limits you to connecting to other Tor nodes, but I'm not sure, don't quote me.

On Linux Mint, running RetroShare, all of my problems were resolved by forwarding a port :) {And running a terminal command to ensure the FlatPak can access the directories I need it to.}

On Windows, the software seems to be a touch more problematic; you make expierence issues with DHT or file saving. If you have any issues with RetroShare or need someone outside of your LAN to test with, please send me an email and I'll get back to you with my advice or friend Key; or just wait! I plan to have a full page about RetroShare up sometime soon. Expect to see it join the Project Hell list soon.

Nov. 8, 21;

How does anyone maintain personhood into the winter. Normally my SAD starts rearing its horrid head in September, but this year she took until late October to really get going. I've also been struggling with basic self care for a few weeks, and struggling harder with the emotions of people around me and balancing taking care of them with my own self care. It's alright, it's just led me into a bit of a non-productive pit as you can see from my total lack of updates here.

So what am I doing? Well the Neopets Shrine is half way done. I've still got several more pages to do, but I think once I finish my final pet's page I may just publish it and add the additional pages when/if I finish them. I've got a projects page going, I've got a write up on fixing a laptop in progress, lots of things I want to do none of the executive function or discipline to complete them. A neurodivergent bitch's greatest struggle.

Binged the SAW franchise. That was a ride and a half. I think I'll come back to SAW later though. I might just make it a rule that if I spend multiple days binging something I should at least get a web page out of the expierence. I want to do some kind of project that has some sort of outside pressure. Maybe I need to do a game jam, maybe I need to commit to something like a page a week for a month, just for fun.

Nice to touch in, sorry I don't have more to say this time, a lot of my internal focus has been on emotional struggles I don't really need to pour over more.

Oct. 20, 21;

Okay, so, the professional certification industry is a fucking scam.

Yeah, hello, if you can't guess, the ennui of aging has made me start having to consider what it is I am going to be doing with all of my time and also for an income. Based on the fact that lately I have become entirely delighted basically everytime I have to do any sort of work on a computer, my current consideration is grabbing a compTIA A+ Cert. And I'm totally and utterly infuriated by it.

Not by the contents I have to study, those are fine even though I really am terrible at networking and also know nothing about mobile devices and how their hardware differs from desktop computers. I mean, I know it's basically all the same stuff in there but oh, Gosh, oh jeez.

No I'm just totally pissed off about the certification industry. I've been mad at the certification industry since I first had to tango with it in the process of getting a GED after ditching high school (for reasons). Now if you were a run of the mill person who did school the way school wants you to, you may have never had to deal with the process of purchasing a certifcation. It sucks ass. It sucks so much ass. I mean, I personally am choosing it over going to college, so it's not like it's harder or more expensive than getting some higher education; it's just painfully clear the whole time how these companies that develop and manage professional certifications are taking massive advantage of you.

Without discounts or bundles, the cost of the two exams necessary for A+ certification cost $460. Physical copies of the text books to study from for the exams are $100. There are two text books, as there are two exams. So that's $660. Or you could pay a whole $90 for the e-book versions! What a deal! A class offered by CompTIA, that they call philanthropy? $8500 of tuition for either a 16-week online class or an 8 week in person class in major cities.

If that isn't a fuck load of money for you, please send me an email here so I can send you my paypal and you can help me achieve my depressing adulthood compromise dream. If that does sound like a fuckload of money to you, yes, it is. In the process of all of the shit little jobs I've managed to wiggle my way into and cling to; I've never saved more than $630. It's kind of wildly hard to when the highest you've ever been paid is $12.75 an hour. And you only got the extra 75 cents because Wal-Mart is afraid of losing you to the Cost-Co thats coming to town.

Ya see where I'm going with this?

Make a guess.

Yeah, so, the professional certification industry exists to keep the working poor in the service industry and keep entry level white collar jobs accessible to only the middle class and petit bourgeois. The loss of on the job training coincides quite nicely with the rise of the American economy as a service based one. The loss of on the job training also birthed the professional certification industry as we now know it; once upon a time the intent of certifcations was that they were investments your employer would make into your career. Now the expectation is that you will get yourself certified, you will fund your certification training and exams, and you will do this because it will make you employable.

Now, this expectation seems to just apply to the basic certifications, the ones you need to even start trying to get your foot in the door for a specialized career. In theory, at least, once you have that first one you can use it to get a job, and then get your employer to invest in further certifications.

Have you ever tried to get your boss to invest in training anyone in any fashion?

So you can guess that the expectation is Really that you will get a job, you will work full time, and in the free time you have outside of your job, you will persue further certification.

Also the certifications expire, renewal means either having enough continuing education credits to renew, or paying to retake the test.

And this isn't just in tech certifications; any industry that you could "get into" with a cert or liscense, has this fucking problem. This fucking problem of your career needing a down payment that you may never be able to afford in your current job, that's why you're looking at a certified industry, they fucking pay better.

At least college lets you get student loans. What are you supposed to do for a cert? Finance it with Affirm, the lovely financing partner of CompTIA, just $30 a month for a $700 loan necessary to get your fucking certification. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but the idea of financing my mandatory certification with the company that advertises itself all over the internet and normalizes the acquiring of debt for unnecessary goods, makes me wanna vomit.

If you're also in the hell of considering a compTIA A+ cert, please direct your attention to libgen.fun for study guides and textbooks. Do not pay $200 for textbooks. The actual tests must be paid for at some point, but you may as well study for free. I don't really have a further point here. Have a good day and try not to be consumed by the dread of existing in an uncaring society.

Oct. 15, 21; It's my birthday 🍠

Happy birthday to Me. :-)

I don't really have anything to talk about actually, I'm not doing anything for the Event. I went on a two hour wander about the city last night. That was something. I grabbed a chocolate mousse from walmart but turns out it was just chocolate cream cheese frosting, so. My dearest girlfriend and I have been watching What We Do In The Shadows (the series), and that's been great. Love that. Love those gay vampires.

Pretty sure I bought a fiji water from a ghost in a kwik corner last night though. I don't really know how to elaborate on that. Gas station just had really haunted vibes. Also the cashier admitted to staring at me which I didn't even notice so that was uncomfortable. I regret paying $3 for probably haunted water. I panicked basically as soon as I got in there. And then still went to a different gas station for snacks and drinks. I don't want to eat cursed-vibe gas station jerky. I didn't even want the $3 cursed water. I just didn't want to be weird and enter a place and then immediately leave without purchasing anything. So I bought $3 cursed water.

I made another linux skin, using Oomox/Themix, the flatpak distribution that from what I can tell is depreciated but at the moment; still works. But I've got a bunch of updates including ones for Cinnamon (the desktop environment rendering the theme) so, theres a chance that it could be broken in about an hour, after I restart and update my machine.

Oomox theme, using a wallpaper from moonpixels.moongraphics.nl

If you can't tell I really like 'edgy' early internet aesthetics. Not like shock edgy but like, emo girl edgy. I've recently taken to calling myself a girl like a website is a girl, and, yeah. My website and my computer are like, extensions of my gender expression because I've always been a "girl on the internet". Which, some of you may not have been around for, but being a girl on the internet was like, the worst possible thing in the late '00s early '10s. That weird gamer thing, you know, the gamer thing with like a gate, that happened when I was a high schooler, who was really into video games. Yeah that sucked, it drove me out of a lot of multiplayer spaces and off of mic for years. I still don't use a mic in any pub games. Online spaces full of "emo girls" like myspace were also full of predatory adult men, and constant weaponized misogyny and harrassment.

Scene girls with magenta and black myspace pages who were huge internet bullies; I forgive you, the space was wildly different from how it is now-a-days. I'm shocked and disgusted everytime I see someone link to a carrd with all of their triggers neatly listed. Because I was around when the internet was a constant unending stream of bullying and any sort of authenticity or vulnerability was just something strangers would gladly use to hurt you if you got their attention. I suppose it is still like that, we're just more prone to huge mob action in the form of callout justice, because there are so many more of us Online. I know for a fact that kids are still getting hurt by the internet the same way I was hurt as a kid. Centralized platforms haven't done anything aside from put children and adults in more and more the same online spaces. And, well. My expierence with mixed age group online spaces was not positive. Is all I will say of that.

Kids need to interact with adults but unsupervised and barely moderated internet platforms are not the place they should be doing it. And yeah teens are kids. Teens should totally not be on twitter or tiktok, teens should not be posting their actual real names and faces to the internet, or a detailed list of their trauma and triggers. I don't think adults should either. I am guilty of posting my real name and face to the internet. I really don't think I should have or should continue to though. But, I probably will; I like the attention of all my girl mutuals on tumblr (hiii ladies).

And that's the thing, we all like attention. Kids and teens really really Need attention. When parents are expected to work for 40 hours a week under capitalism (minimum), it's hard to give kids and teens the attention they need. It becomes even harder to supervise internet activities when you don't have the time or energy to really build a relationship with your child. I had neglectful parents because they were worn out because of the crushing grind of capitalism and poverty. I turned to the internet for attention. I got hurt. And now that basically Everyone (in certain privleged parts of the globe) is online, and we're all isolated because of a raging pandemic, that's getting worse. Probably a lot worse with centralized platforms with pretty open DM settings.

Oh. Jeeze. I got sad huh.
I do that a lot, I've had a lot of birthday ennui this year so I haven't been blogging much because I've been trying not to get sad.

I'm okay though, I'm not like actually depressed I'm just really afraid for all the digital trauma Gen Z and Alpha are going to have. I think I'm technically Gen Z, but I was raised in the far off northern land of Alaska, which was basically stuck in the '90s until instagram got popular. Also as I mentioned earlier I was more into Gamer communities than like, social media as a teen. Myspace and facebook were around but I kinda hated both of them and really liked minecraft. Those spaces were terrible and bad for me, but honestly, with what I see out of social media; I'm so glad I was in them and not on Instagram.

So, happy birthday to me. Death to the corporate internet. Uhhh, don't give a smart phone to anyone under the age of 16. Cool? Cool.


Oct. 11, 21;

Well if it hasn't been a week! I did get my links page up. About a week ago. So that's around for you to go check out, I'll be doing some web diving sometime soon to fill out out some-more, also probably add some Linux resources links; or save those for the Linux Page I am writing.

Yeah I'm writing a Linux page. I want something that will quickly and easily explain all of the concepts of Linux to my friends who do a lot of computing but aren't "good at computers", as well as explain the process of dual booting/migrating from windows to Linux. Considering that Windows 11 Is a disgusting mess of an Operating System I hope it will be of help to those of us who love and miss XP/7. I'm just big mad that basically every Linux resource, even for distros that are supposed to be accessible and friendly like Mint, treats you like you must be very very familiar with computers, or like you are a child annoying your older brother by asking for help. It's written in the same tone I carry with me through all web efforts; long-winded yet informal infodumps. My friends who are serving as my "beta readers", to steal the term, have said it's good and easy to follow, so hopefully I can keep it that way when I get into the nitty-gritty of partitioning for dual booting.

Aside from that, the terrible-awful-no-good menstruation ended and I'm okay with liking Star Trek again, but I don't actually have any Star Trek to talk about right now. Hopefully soon here I'll go back to having some alone time in the mornings to watch and write about Star Trek. I've recieved some wonderful early birthday gifts, I bought a frame loom, dyed my hair, and have been keeping my kitchen clean. My dearest girlfriend had to get teeth pulled quite urgently so that's been an incredible distraction for the last week. Hopefully things will settle down and I'll spend my birthday contentedly weaving and coding and watching DS9.

Oct. 4, 21;

It took me until the third to boot back into windows; she's still working [Very upset about losing 500gb all of a sudden though], so that's good. I really only need to boot back into windows to do art stuff and well, turns out I don't do a lot of art stuff other than editing old web assets at the moment, so GNU IMP is perfectly acceptable, despite its much worse official name than the one I have just assigned it. But it's just fine for making old images transparent and I'm sure I'll figure out how to use it to make glitter texts sooner than later. I've also been working on a Linux theme that matches my personal site because, if I have nothing else I have a consistent digital aesthetic.

I'm quite pleased with the results for a Theme made within the same week as first downloading Linux. I know next to nothing about GTK3 so I am just getting by by editing the Mint-X-Purple theme into a Mint-X-Jhudora theme. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to change my file directory panel of the file explorer window though. I'm sure I will sooner or later, but it is controlled by GTK2/3 and not Cinnamon. That's all I've figured out. But I'll very happily live with a gray file panel when the rest of my computer is gorgeous purple and lime. Aside from that I'm using the Starkmenu applet because I really enjoy switching between the windows 7 style start menu and the MATE style one; the default cinnamon menu is fine, but what's the point if I can't see my beautiful user Icon outside of my lock-screen.

What else do I have to talk about? I bailed on DS9 because I remembered I really truly cannot stand season 7. Rewatched a touch of Voyager, love Voyager still. I've got things I like, want to talk about with Star Trek, but I've also been violently hyperfixated on Star Trek for what is nearing a month at this point, so I'm starting to feel dreadfully annoying talking about it! Even to myself in my visual studio code! Insane, I know. No, not much is going on with me aside from the painful phase of a fixation where I intentionally let it whither and die because I am deeply and utterly terrified of being annoying about nerd shit. It's unaided by the fact I'm having the worst period ever, but don't worry about that, I'm just a touch hormonally sensitive.

I'm sure once this whole terrible-awful-no-good mensturation subsides I'll be back to excitedly yammering about my beloveds on DS9.

Oh, I'm also working on a links page again so hopefully I'll have that up at some point this week, I haven't been able to get myself to suffer through writing all the address tags and descriptions, but the layout is done.

Sept. 29, 21;

So I use linux now. Yeah so, I just kind of jump face first into doing new things with no warning to myself or others, aside from a short passing interest before the storm. I had a bit of one this time, spent the last week or so occasionally looking into linux stuff, and admiring some linux rigs in the Yesterweb Discord. So today I just decided to dual boot Linux Mint and Windows 10. I'm not going to exclusively switch to Linux since I enjoy gaming and hate trying to emulate an updating OS. And I did. I did it kinda messily and by the seat of my pants, but that seems to be how I live my life, despite wishing to be a very careful and planned person. I should have shrunk my windows drive partion in windows instead of doing it in the linux mint installer; but it went fine and I've given myself plenty of space for my linux. Is my windows install safe? Data all still there? :-)

I haven't checked.

And I don't care.

Linux mint is running fine, and honestly if I destroyed my windows partition and data and install like. I might just switch to gaming exclusively on my switch. No in that case I would probably start using Wine and other, such methods. I've got Visual Studio Code, Discord and Firefox so far and that's honestly all I really need for my daily use. Some of my asset creation that I like to do for my site [That you haven't seen yet but soon I promise!], requires GIMP; preferably, I enjoy photoshop for its workflow, so that's another reason for the dual boot. I haven't tested if my particular graphics tablet will play nicely with Linux yet either, so here's hoping for when I do get around to it. Really I'm just having a blast. Linux Mint does seem like it was an excellent choice for me, someone who has been in the Windows environment my whole computing life (aside from school lessons using Mac OS). The cinnamon desktop environment is gorgeous, and the themes are so interesting, I haven't installed any yet but I certainly have my eyes on a Windows XP look-a-like; the OS I first learned on. Hopefully my affair with Linux Mint will continue happily for a long time.

Because I am so sick of Windows 10. Don't even make me think about Windows 11. Immediately in using Linux Mint I've noticed preformance improvements to my Web Browsing (something my machine should be more than capable of with Any OS.) The only time my system lags with Mint so far is when I'm updating software. And I can live with leaving my computer totally alone while it preforms updates. One of my major grieviences with Windows 10, is that when you let it idle it starts eating up your Disk cycles and CPU for it's background processes. When you are running Win10 off of a single HDD instead of using an SSD or a combination of the two, that means coming back to your PC after it's been idling Sucks. So much. My PC will frequently take a minute and a half to return to usability after an Idle cycle, and up to three for actual preformance. I haven't left Linux idling yet but, for some reason, I don't think that problem will occur. Because Linux, being a respectful fucking System, doesn't do shit I don't want it to, haven't asked it to, and that it doesn't really need to do.

I don't want Windows to constantly use my disk to index my files to make my searches just a little bit faster, I don't search, I use directories and know where my shit lives. I don't want windows to use my network while I'm downloading something to update its little News Tray full of articles I did not ask for and reactions from other users 🤮. I know where to go for my news and I most certainly don't want any aspect of my OS to resemble Facebook of all things. Cortana? No. No I don't want that. I especially don't want to have to go into my registry to remove it either. So I'm content with my semi-migration to Linux, even if it does mean rebooting my PC to use Photoshop.

Very happy to have an OS to retreat to that doesn't try to barrage me with The Internet. I like the Internet, I do not like The Internet being part of my start menu. It's nice to not have advertisements built into my fucking computer. It's very very nice to know that not a single button on my operating system is going to Suddenly expose me to an image of Donald Trump and a headline that makes my blood boil; no, I have to go through multiple steps to expose myself to that kind of content now. The way computers should be. If you've been reluctant to jump to Linux but you are a competent PC User, I can highly recommend Linux Mint to you. Just spend a minute reading about drive partitioning and Linux File systems; Command Line knowledge is actually pretty optional for Linux Mint but I am finding it more tempting by the hour. If this post encourages you to make the jump, feel free to email me about your expierence and with questions :-) I'm very happy to research things and gather resources to answer questions.

You'll probably have better luck in the Linux Mint IRC though.

Sept. 28, 21; A rant without context

I'm kind of disgusted with all the so-called anti-capitalist leftists I see around who are also happy to openly state they indulge in "lolcow" drama or K***farms browsing sessions [I would prefer to keep this site well away from any potential search engine results about that hellish forum]. Now, maybe I am a hypocrite because in the past, I have indulged in these two things. But I don't think so. I was 19, having a mental breakdown and just all around bad time. I was using these concentrated forums of mockery, mostly towards people like myself, as a form of self harm. I think a lot of people are. And I think it's truly a disgusting way to go about such self destruction. But the worst part about LGBT+ Leftists immersing themselves in these spaces, is the prevalence of using K*F as a source for callout claims. If you aren't intimately familiar with this side of the internet, let me give you a brief breakdown.

K*F started as a forum for mocking a particular autistic internet trans woman in 2013. I will not name her, I know she has done actually immoral and harmful things; I don't care. I don't think any one person deserves an entire forum dedicated to mocking and harassing them. Especially when that forum is full of fascists. Now, I don't know about the current climate in those terrible terrible forums, I have carefully avoided them for years since my last "episode", but if memory serves, it was fairly standard to constantly be transphobic, homophobic, racist, ableist, just; you know, all of the shit that is bad and hurtful and that actively sabotages class solidarity? Based on the community that built those forums, I assume they're still largely unchanged. Now, in my time there I never posted, I've been a serial lurker for most of my online life; I just enjoy people watching. I did a lot of people watching on K*F*.

"lolcows", a truly demeaning term for people who just happen to exist visibly on the internet who are weird, dramatic, mentally ill, or just queer. There are genres of this label, but they're almost always the same in some way. Since I was a fat lesbian, explicitly trying to hurt myself, I spent a lot of time in the thread for a particular fat lesbian who, sure, I guess she seems like an asshole. I also occasionally ventured out into threads for people who became "cows" just by virtue of being fat and gay on youtube. Now, some threads did actually point to people doing actually harmful things, such as child abuse, but the primary content of those threads was never disgust towards the abuse; it just made a lovely frame for calling these, mostly women, "crazy and dangerous attention whores" and various slurs that the Observers at the farms had deemed fitting enough. The men that achieved "cow" status were almost always autistic, fat, and visibly mentally ill. More often than not, also gay.

So in my people watching across these various genres I noticed something; an average of 10-15% of the posts in threads about fat women had that distinct tone that, if you've been on tumblr since 2013, you recognize as a tumblr user. Like, the UwU tumblr users. The few threads about men that I lurked were almost entirely K*F 'natives', whos tone aligns more closely with the people we see on image boards. Not the fun ones. Often, one would see one of these channers pop into a 'lite' thread, link to another thread full of more radically hateful rhetoric than what would rear its head in the 'lite' threads. Like, maybe, just drop a link to the thread with K*F's archive of a mass shooters live stream, or just pin it to the top of every page on the site so everyone who visits for a week can watch people die and spew racism into a thread that obstensibly, exists to resist censorship. The censorship of a video of people dying. While the man killing them recites image board memes.

So it's an alt-right pipeline. Clearly. Sure at first it was just a gathering spot for assholes who wanted to stalk and mock a specific person, but over the years the forum has expanded and now holds threads on people who have done everything from Be Autistic Online to Be Fat Online, oh and also maybe admitted to actual criminal abuse. It pulls in teens and those of us who retained our need for Gossip into adulthood with juicy details of Drama, hundreds of threads acting as a directory of every sin that's graced cyberspace. Sins, defined to be such by fascists. If some sort of big drama bursts out online, its almost promised that one or more participants in it has a dedicated K*F thread. A thread, that they want you to stumble into when you google to try and figure out what's going on. It's a fascist recruitment site, full of fascists, with a culture built entirely by fascists.

Indulgence in "lolcow" culture is disgusting. It's particularly disgusting for leftists because doing so is always an act of aligning yourself with fash. They invented the term, the dehumanising term meant for mocking autists. If you indulge in these spaces, and openly admit to such, just don't get mad when no one wants anything to do with you. I remember very well that no one wanted anything to do with me while I was in these spaces. That's the point of them. To isolate you down to a social group of vile dickheads. And turn you into one of them.

I don't think you should let them.

Sept. 25, 21;

I have been a very sleepy sheepy for the last [glances to last post, counts on fingers] 3 days (I've been good today, actually which is why I am writing a blog post). I slept for an average of 18 hours daily from the 21st-24th. It was very refreshing but now I'm so terribly stiff. My kitchen is also a mess about it. The few hours I've been waking however, I have been watching (guess now!), Deep Space Nine! :-)
Oh also playing Octopath Traveler finally it's really fun. The story is pretty subpar but if you like JRPG's you've probably looked past that before for combat systems you enjoy. I'm a sucker for turn-based combat and I love the combat system so far. Cyrus is boring but I believe He will stay in my party for the foreseeable future, since he just streamlines the weakness system so effectively.

Onto DS9:

I finished season four, I'm on episode 3 of season 5 right now. I didn't pay a Ton of attention to season 4. I do like it, it's got some good episodes in it like. Uhm. Yeah I can't think of any off the top of my head. But hey, remember that episode where an alien manifestation starts stimulating Jake Sisko's brain to make him write very well very quickly and it's like, killing him? Yeah, so, why does Jake Sisko keep getting plots where he's in some sort of; oddly intimate or grooming situation with an older woman? At least in this episode it's like, a problem, but I haven't forgottem about him being a 16 year old dating a 20 year old dabo girl. What's that about Rick Berman? Yes everything I don't like about DS9 is specifically only Rick Berman's fault; you wanna put your name first in the credits you're going to be the person I question about the episode where Rom and Quark repeatedly ask their elderly mother to get naked for their comfort, obstensibly because of wildly misogynistic Ferengi culture; still though, Rick, what the fuck was that, man? I love Moogie but this is awful.
End of Season 4, beginning of season 5 has the Keiko O'Brien is pregnant arc, which becomes the uhm. Kira Nerys is carrying Keiko O'Brien's baby after an accident during a mission and She Has To Keep Doing That because Bajoran's uhm, [checks notes] have a short gestation period that creates a lot more blood vessels connecting the mother and fetus; so removing the baby again would make Nerys bleed to death. I So Badly want to question what that could possibly mean for Bajoran pregnancy terminations but I just don't have the time or (lack of) sanity to go down that path. My point is the arc is uncomfortable, it makes me see O'brien and Nerys interact in uncomfortable ways that I Do Not want to see them interact in.

I wanna talk about Crossfire? I really wanna talk about the Season 4 episode Crossfire. It's an Odo/Kira episde. Hate those. But like It's a bad one, it's a bad one. Sadly I've got to do some rewatching including of the episode in question before I write a post about it. I think it will be fun to make myself suffer and rewatch Odo/Kira episodes just so that I can write an angry Dyke rant about why they are bad episodes and their romance also, is bad. Mostly my argument amounts to; please stop making me watch the mushy goo face have face journeys his costuming is very limiting to his ability to preform facial emotions that I am capable of sympathizing with, rather than cracking the fuck up at. A little bit of it is part of the cheese and charm of 90s Trek. Entire episodes of it are a little much.

So like S5E3 is good. It brings back Grilka and honestly I think her and Quark are a weird kind of cute, and it's a Jadzia/Worf episode. If you ask me those are actually the two most tolerable couples in DS9. Not that I don't enjoy Benjamin Sisko and Kasidy Yates, they're cute, I just think Benjamin's romances tend to be. Boring. I feel that way about most of the "Captain"s romances. The side characters in old Trek just get to have more fun in their romantic lives. All of the side romances in Voyager are better than any of the actual romances Janeway gets (All Chakotay gets to my memory is Bait. It's good bait but it's still just bait).

So if you haven't noticed the way I write these blog posts is leaving Visual Studio Code open for hours to days at a time, depending on how it's going. And I just kind of dump thoughts into here. I've written several full posts but they were very messy and personal and I decided they'd be better living in my journal rather than a public blog. It's very nice and also leads to a lot of jumping, despite staying focused on mainly Star Trek for the length of my published blogs. This paragraph is just a soft transition back to me talking about the most tortured man in Star Trek: Miles O'Brien.

I stand by that. Miles O'Brien over his Starfleet career watches himself die How Many Times? At least twice in the first two seasons of DS9; then he gets 20 years of traumatic prison memories implanted in his head; He's got wife problems his baby got womb hot-swapped, his wife got possessed by a Bajoran ghost, he's more potato than man! Miles O'Brien deserves to resign in season 3 of DS9 at the Latest. I haven't even watched TNG as an adult, I can't even mention other things that happened to O'Brien in his original debut. He is haunted, he is an asshole, I want him to retire to play darts in an Irish pub until his heart gives out on him. From the stress that hardened his arteries. Oh my God. Holy Shit. Is the episode immediately after Miles O'Brien's wife gets possessed by an Evil Bajoran ghost a fucking tribble episode? I watch Miles O'Brien under-go traumatic event #34 this fiscal quarter (as measured by Quark's betting pool on when various Starfleet officers will suffer nervous breakdowns) and then theres a Tribble Episode with a PUN NAME??

I am a prison abolitionist and question the ethics of criminalizing most activities and what criminalization means-- However, binge watching Deep Space Nine as I have been doing, should be illegalized. It must only be run in randomized Re-Run blocks on the BBC America at 2 to 4pm. To spare others from the whiplash I just got hit with.

Oh this is. This is the episode where they go back in time to TOS. My complaints have lessened but not enough to reconsider my stance on banning '90s Trek from binge watch formats.

Sept. 21, 21;

Well yesterday was an utterly horrible no good terrible day. At least it seems to have resulted in some sort of peace between my girlfriend and her dad. It just took 3 weeks of developing new PTSD symptoms for them to finally have an Adult conversation. Yes, yes I am mad at both of them for taking this long to accomplish such a little task. But at least it's done now. Broad strokes of yesterday: I had two panic attacks, a hysterical breakdown, and was fully prepared to commit crimes. I did not commit crimes. Yesterday was the first time in months that I've needed a cigarette. I haven't had any, still want one desperately; I was going to order myself some breakfast as a Comfort that won't make me stink and dissappoint my girlfriend, but, sadly, my favorite breakfast chain is closed. If they don't open before everyone else in the house wakes up then my plan of a Just For Me Meal is truly dead in the water. Not that there aren't other chains; but only Dunkin has sweet tea that they'll put flavored syrup in for you.

So I've given up on both the cigarettes and the Tea. I'm instead going to smoke So much weed. I think the relaxation of my perpetually tensed back muscles will be, a close enough imitation of what I want. I deserve it after yesterday. Once my household wakes up, I think I'll just get a gas station breakfast. It's cheaper anyway.

Wanna talk about DS9 after that? :-)

I'm on the episde Prophet Motive, or as my friend Mags put it; the soyification of the rules of acquisition. It's a very fun episode, I love seeing Quark and Rom scheme together. I also missed seeing Rom, he's a bit absent in Season 3. I'm also glad to have a ferengi episode where the word "females" is said less than a dozen times. Now the Ferengi have problems, like, a lot of problems. Most alien races in Star Trek, unsurprisingly, have big issues; often relating to racism. I mean, I adore klingons but there are plenty of things to be said about them and blackface. For Ferengi it's antisemitism, for Cardassians it's the theft of south asian aesthetics for a Big Bad Fascist Villian Society. I could go on. I won't though. The entireity of Star Trek is fairly progressive for the times it was produced, but it's still got oh so many juicy problems just all over the place.

Oh, except for when it wasn't? Remember Rick Berman? That weird conservative who took control of Trek in the 90s and ruined any chance of Bashir and Garak being lovers and, basically every progressive part of 90s Trek. If you're unfamilar with Berman, I recommend This Video by Renegade Cut on youtube for a thorough look at 90s Trek and Berman's control over it. He's also got a video about Odo being a fasicst collaborator that I highly recommend. Berman also made Enterprise in the '00s and I can say, happily, that the only exposure I have had to Enterprise was through an Ex who was explicitly trying to annoy me after an arguement about Captain Katheryn Janeway. But those, maybe three episodes total, were enough to show me that I would like to rip Rick Berman's throat out with my teeth.

I think when it comes to Star Trek we can see just a lovely tone trend, TOS: Optimistic, TNG: Optimistic, DS9: Cynical, VOY: NIHILISTIC. This isn't to say that all series don't have some kind of optimism in them, since the foundation of the Future depicted by Star Trek is idealistic; or that they don't often have episodes that end on optimistic notes. DS9 still tries to be optimistic, but the setting of a post-fascist-occupation starbase is much more cynical than a science ship, isn't it? VOY tries to be optimistic but very often settles into nihilism about the idea of escaping the Delta Quadrant and with reguards to the inhabitants of it. VOY also suffers from messy character writing and a lack of cohesion among the writing staff, seen most easily through Kathryn Janeway. How many times does she have consistent morals and motives? How the fuck does what she did to Tuvix align with the character Kathryn Janeway as established? What in the fuck is Tom Paris? (A: Berman Insert).

I love Star Trek but jeeze from the way I talk about it I think it's understandable if you think I don't. Just wait till I finally rewatch Star Wars.

Sept. 19, 21;

To go back to what I said in my first blog, you know, with reguards to starting new projects rather than finishing ones in progress, here is a small, incomplete list of all of the ideas I have had within the last Nine Hours:

As I write now I am still having more ideas for pages to write (at some point I will make my digital dream blunt rotation just so that I can leave it open while I smoke weed. I don't know if that will get onto this website but, by God I will write the page). And to remind you, my in progress projects at present include: The Achewood...thing, Neopets Shrine [landing finished, 2 pages are in progress, 5 more are planned], Button Box [layout needs rewritten since I decided to put some buttons on my about], a guides page, and a links page.

In the past on other projects I praised myself for being so good at knowing my scope and what was achievable for me realistically. Doesn't sound like I'm talking about the same person, anymore. I'm going to say its more passion than losing my sense of scope, since I still know the types of pages that are achievable to my current skill level in HTML/CSS and have planned all of my ideas accordingly. I'm actually quite pleased for once to be overwhelming myself with ideas I can barely keep straight, it seems I've finally discovered that oft-spoken of rarely-seen Ambition. I think I have ambitions for this website. None of any sort of grandeur or reach, but just of how perfectly whole it can be. Seems I do have drive and goals, just none aligned with successful existence in a capitalist society.

Moving on, I'm still re-watching DS9; my girlfriend and I have gotten into asynchronous sleep schedules so while I'm up all night I put it on. Puts her to sleep and only distracts me with the rare Episode I Love; the names? I have no idea. There are several in season 2 though. I sort of hate Bashir focused episodes but also I can't look away from them; probably because at this point in the series they also heavily include Garak (My Beloved). There are episodes with plots I really love (i.e Odo Befriends A Little Girl and she is a hologram and he gives a speech about lifeforms and types of life and FUCK if I don't cry every time I see him turn into a spinning top for her at the end), while not loving most episodes focused on those characters. I love Odo because he gets some Goodies but also, like, he is a bastard; see post below; and a lot of Odo focused episodes are bad. There are some Bashir and O'Brien episodes that are Fun, but, like. Does anyone look forward to rewatching that b-plot where O'Brien and Bashir have this weirdly intense raquetball rivalry, but only on O'Brien's side? Do we really need to see a middle aged O'Brien get insecure because Bashir is a fuckin' jock? I hope that's a b-plot. I don't, but if you do I get it they have the Banter. They've got bantz, its fun. I just think their dynamic is kinda weird.

But mostly I love episodes focused on my favorite characters, because of course I do. And as a Gender: Dyke I believe I'm obligated, legally, to have those favorite characters be Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax. Also Benjamin Sisko; he's probably my favorite man in Trek (Neelix, Tuvok, and Tuvix are all tied for second). I really love the Jadzia Dax episode where she has a Trill initiate, I quite actively watched that entire one last night. I really like the parts of her personality on display throughout the episode. Jadzia Dax is just a really fun character; super hate seeing Bashir flirt with her because-; through the powers of projection; I can't read Jadzia as anything but a lesbian. But that's like a gimme, okay; She's got that whole episode with her ex-wife. And I will never stop being mad about the way Rick Berman treated Terry Farrell during the production of DS9. I will never stop being mad at Rick Berman's presence on Star Trek; everything he did to the series actively made it worse. The good parts of 90's Trek are just a testament to the rest of the production staff and crew, really. I've tried very hard to think of a Kira episode I love, all I've come up with is Crossover and that's because I want to kiss Evil Kira sooo bad I look stupid. If I recall, she gets more episodes I enjoy in season 3; season 2 is a little focused on her relationship with Vadek Barielle and I can't stand his ass. As I've composed this post I have finished season two and moved on to three. What do I think of the ending of season two? :-) If I hear "The Dominion" mentioned I tune out and I think I'm stronger for it.

Not to derail myself but I just switched back to my stream and--

Goodness me, how did I forget that hair change for the season three debut? How many m2 of ozone did Terry's stylist destroy for this look? Is that front teased? It looks like it could make use of techniques similar to those seen in late 1800s - very early 1900s hairstyles, but also has some sort of large rolled curl on the back nape of her neck. It also looks uncomfortable. If you're familiar with Trek, you know this kind of derailing incredulousness is not uncommon for me. Star Trek sure did things to hair.

If I had anything else to say it has been clean powerwashed out of my brain wrinkles by my pondering about the mechanics behind that volume and what, on the back, appears to be loose weaving of some-sort. I'm glad I have my undercut and top-knot keeping me well out of the realm of such intensive styling.

Sept. 16, 21;

Wow, today has been a hard one. I was pretty exhausted yesterday working on my site rebuild, not because doing that was exhausting but just because I was very very out of it. Today I woke up in so much pain I woke my girlfriend up with crying, so that was fun. Roommate is still being a pill but I'm just trying oh-so-very hard to ignore the entirety of his existence. Hard when he's starting to give me headaches with all of his slamming doors and such. I'm working on a Button Box page for all my 88x31s, so that's been fun to do today. That will probably go up once I've populated the site badges more; don't expect any marquee updates until the Button Box launches since with it comes a reogranization of some of my images. I'm going to make some attempt to at least organize my assets now, because I haven't been doing that and I've realized that it's probably a bad idea not to. It shouldn't be too difficult since I still don't have very much up, but it is annoying because I really like to just type /img.png for my stuff since I write in visual studio. But that's already starting to make it tedious to push updates. Hopefully I can get some sorting in place :)

Aside from that I'm watching some Deep Space 9 right now; quite enjoying it. Don't have much more to say on it now that I'm sitting here. I'm at the arc at the start of season two and honestly I think the Bajor/Cardassian war is a little weak nowadays. There are critiques to be had of it for sure, as with most 90s Trek, I just think its not the Best; you should consider the fact that my favorite arcs all are in Voyager despite my fondness for DS9. But that may just be the lack of attention span talking; multi-episode arcs may be a little much for me to handle right now. Kind of sad. Anime may be easier to digest right now. I suppose I have some "Fandomy" opinions to share about it, but they're really just as deep as Sisko best Captain-Not-a-Captain, Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax are in love, Odo is a fascist collaborator and I hate him but also he's my poor little meow meow, Quark is also my poor little meow meow but a bastard so obviously I think he and Odo should kiss. Was that anything? Do you feel enriched for knowing I feel that way about DS9? Am I enriched for feeling this way about DS9? I feel like the answer to both of those questions is a resounding and sturdy No.

I'll spare you the dissertation on the effects of fandom culture and Centralized Fandoms like AO3 on media literacy and engagement; just know I do have it and I am not in support of centralized fandom platforms such as AO3. Fanfiction is like, benign; centralizing fandoms into unmoderated and easily accessible to Everyone spaces is like; bad. Especially when there's porn (we all know there is so much porn.) We gotta go back to small forum communities and webrings with moderation. Corporate moderation is never very good, and results in a lot of people being overworked to moderate in a way that is potentially very unhealthy for them both physically and mentally. Volunteer community mods though; oh those are so very good. I think treating mods with hierarchical authority is just a recipe for all those horror stories about discords taken over by egocentrical and powermad moderators, of course the action of moderating does provide one with some authority; my solution to lateralizing that authority is easy. Make moderation something accessible to active users in your community, in a similar style to OkCupid (at least how they used to do it, haven't been on there in 2+ years). Something they can all access as part of their time on the site, and something done via community vote. This of course means that certain communities of certain persuasions will self-moderate in was that some of us may find distasteful, but that they will moderate how the members of those communities see fit. I don't think the communities of fandoms are all the same; the conglomeration of those communities through centralized platforms like AO3 lead to those communities clashing.

The history of these clashes can be seen on sites like Fanfiction.net and Livejournal; larger communities (or just those with more freetime or other resources) use their advantages to moderate marginalized communities off of the platform. Sometimes it's for the better that a community is isolated (i.e. 4chan/8chan/ect should all be as inaccessible as possible due to their histories as a site of fascist radicalization.) But in the past this isolation was applied to queer creators and based on very odd and arbitrary rules derived of minimal understanding of the law. This has lead to, what I can understand as a semi-reasonable, fear of moderation as an act of persecution. I think the only solution to these large multi-community clashes and 'flame wars' (as we used to call them) is the decentralization of fan content back into niche communities for specific content. Whatever the solution is, it certainly is not a total lack of moderation going forward. A lack of moderation creates an unsafe environment only welcoming to those with the greatest ability to look past harmful bigotries; that's not any kind of inclusive.

Fuck I suppose I gave you part of the dissertation anyway. I'll stop here before I venture into the muddier waters of media literacy as told by someone who was pulled out of their media literacy class to finish retaking freshman math.

Sept. 13, 21; Getting Things Up

I have fallen prey to the most annoying of follies for a creative. I keep starting projects and never finishing anything. I don't expect to finish at least one of my projects for several months, but one of the others I did kind of expect more progress on by now. I always have hope that maybe telling people about one of my ideas will get me to actually finish it out. I am incorrect this time; I was incorrect the last 500 times. I am technically working on an [incoherent hemming and hawing] about Achewood; sort of, kinda, if you squint at my notes and pretend they are comprehensible. Reading it is just the first step and I'm still only on the comics from '06! (Just finished re-reading The Great Outdoor Fight today, beautiful arc). I have so much to say already, and this is only compounded by the fact that a lot of the media I've been 'consuming' as of late is absurdist comedy from the '00s. I'm noticing kind of an incredible throughline of toxic masculinity that isn't so prominent in other genres even of the time! Absurdist comedy in the '00s kind of relied exclusively on the comedy of men being utterly horrific! It's no wonder men hold no appeal for me; I was raised on this stuff.

If I start going off now I won't stop honestly, I've got Aqua Teen Hunger Force playing on another monitor (thanks Love for falling asleep with it on) and it makes me want to scream from the roof-tops about the fact adult animation in the '00s almost exclusively protrayed abusive male friendships with women in some sort of proximity but with their only traits defined as wives, daughters, mothers, or "fuckable" (Or the rife with comedic potential "unfuckable"; because there's not enough jokes about ugly women until every man in media production has written one). Instead I will leave it at this: if you feel society has been in the same horrifically misogynistic and homophobic place for the last 20 years; go watch some old William's Street animations. The progress of the last 20 years will be so starkly visible you'll... well, probably just feel intense and visceral disgust towards the years 2002-2007.

Don't actually; I just do this because I have problems disorder and the incredible ability to just cringe and bear it when it comes to what we were calling humor 20 years ago.

Aside from that I'm working on some neopets stuff, a blinky collection, a button collection, more Kev Smith Huge Jorts glitters, a guides page; none of them progressing as fast as I had hoped. Which is perfectly alright! There is no deadline on personal site content, I just need to make it as I please! But I'm annoyed by the stalling because it's due to external factors I have no control over; I'm just in a kind of constantly stressful situation now, so stringing thoughts together is difficult at best. No matter what, it will be resolved when this lease ends and I can get through a problem with a clear and hard end-date. My roommate may not but that's neither here nor there.